The next 2 posts contain 3, out of sequence (by date), journal entries.
I have a main journal that is a 5 subject notebook (currently a 3 subject notebook, the old one is full)
I have about 5 other notebooks/journals I utilize for my thoughts and feelings
I have always been a bit fragmented this way
I always attributed that to being scattered and to my ADHD
I can clearly see, now, that I was HIDING them from my spouse
I DID NOT TRUST MY SPOUSE WITH THE INFORMATION IN THESE JOURNALS
Looking back now, I switched things up because, subconsciously, I never fully trusted my spouse
I fooled myself into believing I had full trust in him, but in the hindsight, I can clearly see I DID NOT trust him
The irony is not lost on me that my “EX” FILED FOR DIVORCE ONE YEAR AND ONE day later on 4/12/24 – talk about intuition SLAPPING ME IN THE FACE
It’s TERRIFYING now, to see the foreshadowing in my actions, to know that my spouse DID USE THE INFORMATION CONTAINED IN MY PRIVATE JOURNALS AS WEAPONS AGAINST ME
My spouse turned MY PRIVATE words and thoughts into an ARSENAL – that he used AGAINST ME – in his ATTEMPT TO EXTINGUISH MY LIFE
My spouse corralled and recruited my support system AGAINST ME – my friends (some newer, some lifetime/longtime friends), my therapist, the medical system, MY MOTHER – all of these people
MY SPOUSE USED MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS AND WORDS TO MANIPULATE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE INTO BELIEVING HIS NARRATIVE – AGAINST ME – IN HIS ATTEMPT TO END MY LIFE, INDIRECT AS HELL, BUT END IT NONE THE LESS
My Spouse’s GOAL WAS TO MAKE ME – appear to be – THE MENTALLY UNSTABLE, SICK, INCAPABLE, WIFE AND HIMSELF THE EXHAUSTED, ATTENTIVE, SELF-SACRIFICING, HUSBAND.
My spouse wanted everyone to believe that he WAS OUT OF RESOURCES AND OPTIONS
My spouse wanted everyone to believe he HAD DONE EVERYTHING HE COULD TO HELP HIS POOR, SICK, WIFE AND JUST “didn’t know what else to do!?!?!”
If this sounds familiar, like, Lifetime Movie/True Crime Story familiar – trust me when I say – I NEVER IMAGINED THIS WOULD BE MY STORY
But for MANY MANY – TOO MANY WOMEN – IT SIMPLY IS – PERIOD
Unfortunately, I’m now one of “those women”
I’m in the club I never applied to be in, because of the MONSTER I chose as a HUSBAND
Not that anyone applies to be in the club, but I am the first to admit, my EGO NEVER allowed me to conceive that it would be POSSIBLE for me to get, even remotely, CLOSE to BECOMING A MEMBER OF THIS CLUB – how’s that for an ego death to recon with?
A hefty ***TRIGGER WARNING*** applies for those that have gotten this far and choose to read further
The following Blog entries contain content related to thoughts of suicide, suicidal ideation, parental suicide, childhood suicidal ideations and fantasies and childhood suicide attempts.
The contents of the following Blog entries may be triggering for some readers
*****PLEASE READ AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND CARE*****
In my many years of Psychotherapy I have reconciled with these issues and no longer struggle with them daily or with any type of regularity
My journals are free flow, free thought exercises that I utilized to deal with the overwhelming feelings I was dealing with at the time
I utilized the practice of journaling to get these thoughts and feelings out in the open and to fully explore them and work hard to resolve them
*****If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts or feelings of self harm THERE IS HELP AND YOU ARE WORTH IT*****
*****Please dial 988 for immediate resources and PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP*****
XOXO – Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
March 14, 2023
My Truth is:
I have wanted to die since about the age of 6 – when my dad took his life
I didn’t find out the truth until the age of 23
I wished it was me that had died – life would have been much easier for me
I tried to die at age 8?? Maybe 7??
I took a bottle of aspirin and at my Grandparent’s – I hoped I would die
I would fantasize about dying because then everyone would pay attention to me and listen to my voice when I’d tell them I was hurting, scared, etc.
I woke up and got super sick (from the aspirin)
I never told anyone what I took and I kept that secret in shame until last year
I felt so lonely, like I didn’t matter
I never intentionally tried again – but in the back of my mind – I’m not afraid of dying and kind of welcome it with open arms
If I die in my sleep I’m lucky AF
Most people don’t get that deep when it comes to their own mortality
I needed to in order to survive
That is my way in
That is my lead in
That is who I am
That is what I want to change
Not who I am – the system that’s making this worse
Lead with my truth and the rest will follow
April 7, 2023
Dark Night of the Soul
What I am currently experiencing in my Midlife Event
April 11, 2023
At the end of the day, what I need from you – my husband – is to be seen and heard and appreciated as the person behind the scenes lifting you up
I don’t want the spotlight
I don’t need the admiration or praise from anyone
I just need it from you
That’s all that matters
But if I don’t feel like I’m getting it, then I feel like I’m failing at life
