One of the Yellow Tubs of Trauma – on its side – One of the ones I picked up from my Mother’s Contents of the other and other miscellaneous items retrieved from her home are strewn out in front of it
The following Journal entry was made while I continued to grapple with my discovery that the story I was fed, by my mother, was that of another Officer
A discover I made a year or so prior to this entry
To make that even worse – the story belonged to an Officer that had served on the same Police Department in the SAME CITY as my father served – IN MY hometown
In the 70’s and 80’s no-one could conceive of a World Wide Web or archives of stories being readily available and accessible to the masses
I’m sure that’s how my Mother felt when she decided it was best to pawn another man’s story, off as my father’s, and let me believe it as my truth
That Officer – the one who’s story my Mother fed me – had passed away exactly a decade prior to my Father’s passing
Kind of ballsy of my Mother – I guess I get that trait from my her
I was completely IN THE DARK
– UNAWARE
– HAD ZERO KNOWLEDGE
I was unaware – THAT THE STORY I WAS TOLD – UNTIL LEARNING THE TRUTH AT THE AGE OF 23 – WAS ANOTHER MAN’S/ANOTHER OFFICER’S/ANOTHER FAMILIES STORY
When my MOTHER FINALLY TOLD ME THE TRUTH she CONVENIENTLY LEFT THAT PART OUT
The part where SHE STOLE SOMEONE ELSE’S TRUTH TO PASS OFF – TO ME – AS MINE
You can imagine my surprise, while scrolling social media one day – I saw a post from my local law enforcement – IN MY HOME TOWN WHERE I LIVED – acknowledging an officer, a man, NOT MY DAD – BUT WITH MY DAD’s “FAKE” STORY
I was LITERALLY CRUSHED
IT OPENED THAT WOUND
ALREADY RIPPED WIDE OPEN BY THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN
THE WOUND PULSING – OPENED BY THE REQUEST I HAD MADE WITH LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT TO INVESTIGATE RECORDS AND ACKNOWLEDGE MY FATHER
THE LIE WAS BAD ENOUGH BUT THE LACK OF CONSCIENCE THAT IT TOOK FOR MY MOTHER TO PASS OFF ANOTHER MAN’S STORY AS MY FATHER’S
AND THEN, AFTER SHE FINALLY DOES TELL ME THE TRUTH – SHE NEVER EVEN THINKS TO TELL ME THAT THE FAKE STORY SHE FED ME FOR ALMOST 20 YEARS IS A TRUE STORY
A TRUE STORY THAT BELONGS TO ANOTHER MAN AND FAMILY WHO SERVED ON THE SAME POLICE DEPARTMENT IN THE SAME CITY AS MY FATHER
THE SAME CITY I HAVE SPENT THE MAJORITY OF MY LIFE IN – THE SAME CITY I LIVED IN WHEN SHE TOLD ME?!?!!?!?
I was spinning – my Mother and I – like many mother/daughter relationships – had our ups and downs – it was tumultuous – but I had NEVER SEETHED WITH THIS TYPE OF ANGER TOWARDS HER
For the first time in my life I questioned myself and my ability to ever be able to FIND FORGIVENESS – FOR MY MOTHER
Admittedly, I did not handle it well or respond appropriately.
I cut off all communication with her
IN therapy I would begin to explore our Mother/Daughter relationship
How I felt about my Mother’s lifelong betrayal would be the main focus of my therapy for years after
I worked HARD to find forgiveness and to move forward.
This entry was me, giving that “inner child” the one that never had the opportunity to VENT – one last opportunity before I reached out to my Mother for the first time in years
I would reach out to her and explain to her that I was working on my Dad/his lack of legacy and footprint – and speak to her about coming up to her home in the Midwest – to retrieve my yellow – 38 gallon tubs of trauma stored in her attic
I did forgive her and I was trying so hard to envision a path forward when
WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT
The MONSTER I MARRIED – Decided it would be advantageous for HIM
TO RECRUIT MY MOTHER TO HIS SIDE – THE VICTIM SIDE – AND FURTHER THE NARRATIVE THEY BOTH HOLD TODAY – TO MAKE ME THE VILLAIN
I SUSPECT MY “EX” CONVENIENTLY SHARED MY JOURNALS OR THE INFORMATION CONTAINED IN THEM
THE ONES WITH MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS
THE ONES I WOULD NEVER DREAM OF VERBALIZING TO MY MOTHER
I SUSPECT THAT MY “EX” USED THIS INFORMATION TO HURT HER
I SUSPECT THAT MY “EX” USED THIS INFORMATION TO VILLAINIZE ME
I SUSPECT THAT MY “EX” USED THIS INFORMATION TO GET HER ON HIS TEAM
SO THAT SHE WOULD ABANDON ME AS MY “EX” MADE HIS BIG PLAY ON MY LIFE – MY MOTHER WOULD CUT ME OFF FROM ALL COMMUNICATION AND LEAVE ME TO SUFFER AND ALMOST DIE – ALONE –
I promise you – more will be revealed and once the train is on the tracks the speed will be frightening – TRUST ME
Stay Tuned and Remember –
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE – IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT
XOXO – Launa
*****Trigger Warning for those that have made it this far an decide to proceed*****
*****This is a post about Childhood Trauma its contents may be triggering for some readers as it pertains to childhood abuse, thoughts of suicide, and unresolved paternal anger issues. Please read and proceed with care. In my years of Psychotherapy I have reconciled with many of these issues and no longer hold such an extreme stance against my Mother nor do I feel any hate towards her. These journal entries are “free thought” Free Flow exercises I utilized to deal with the overwhelming feelings I was dealing with at the time and instead of taking them out on my mother and verbalizing them to her directly, I utilized the practice of journaling to get them out to fully explore them and work hard to resolve them. Please know that would and have never ever expressed any of these statements to my Mother directly. This was me letting my inner child express all of the things she never got to do freely as a 5 year old. Thank you for reading and and take care – xoxo Launa*****
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
April 29, 2023
Mother’s Day – Fucking Arbitrary Holiday Capitalism – Manipulative – Patriarchal
May 7, 2023
Mom – You robbed me
You stole my opportunity
You hid the truth for too long and I’m PISSED
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Wow – I have to do it all alone
– Make sense of my past and all the missed opportunities
– I had to get to know my father through others that know him, that’s your fault and I don’t know how I’ll be able to ever forgive you for that – I hate you!
EVERYONE in my life knew before me and talked about me and my truth before you actually told me
Fuck you for that, you’re a shitty mother
Your lies fucked with my truth
You are not God, yet you feel like you could play God with my life
Fuck that and Fuck you
