I put these following entries together because of the hindsight – it smacks me on the head like a TON OF BRICKS.
The juxtaposition of me, still working through my Childhood/Daddy Trauma. And me, taking my first legitimate, long term break from WORKING for 30 years of my life, attempting to forge a new path for financial independence and out of the capitalist rat race. Me trying something new and creative.
I HAVE NEVER DEPENDED FINANCIALLY, ON ANYONE ELSE BUT MYSELF.
From the age of 16 when I got my first job and into young adulthood through the age of 45.
I NEVER WANTED TO GIVE THAT POWER OVER TO ANYONE – NOT EVEN MY SPOUSE
In fact, during our 12 year relationship and 9 year marriage, I often worked 2 jobs to pick up the financial slack, and to stay busy
However, when a mental breakdown, quite literally, BREAKS YOU DOWN and YOU CANNOT KEEP DOING THE THINGS YOU’VE DONE FOR 30 YEARS, YOU PIVOT
I depended on the person I trusted and I believed that person had my best interest in mind and would support me and help me reach my goals.
MY SPOUSE WORE THAT MASK WELL
What the hindsight is showing me, is that my spouse saw this as an opportunity to gain control. With financial control, he would be able to manipulate my existing network along with a whole new group of people. He was able to create an entire new narrative for himself
The hindsight is showing me that my spouse HATED the idea of me taking on a creative endeavor – something entirely out of my wheelhouse – But very much his NIECHE – His career is based on creativity, he is an artist and makes a living as one.
My spouse would present himself as supportive and helpful, willing to assist in any way he could, manipulating the narrative.
He was able to reinvent himself as the doting, loving spouse to his poor, mentally ill wife. And I needed to do something other than sit home alone everyday with the dogs while he works to provide for us.
This is the type of hindsight that fills me with RAGE – to be able to look back now – a year and a half later, without my tainted lenses
These are the MOMENTS and DECISIONS that ALMOST COST me MY LIFE
My spouse would make his FINAL, DIRECT, attempt ON MY LIFE at the EXACT MOMENT I had PLANNED to LAUNCH my CREATIVE ENDEAVOR out into the WORLD with a lifelong friend.
When that didn’t work my spouse expertly utilized his newly manipulated identity of “loving, doting, husband to his mentally ill wife” to MAKE HIMSELF THE VICTIM
THIS MONSTER CONTINUES TO PORTRAY HIMSELF AS THIS HONORABLE AND MORAL CHARACTER AND AS THE VICTIM – TO THIS DAY
My “EX” may have succeeded in preventing me from getting my first attempt at a creative endeavor out into the world
BUT HE FAILED MISERABLY AT EXTINGUISHING MY LIFE
TWO THINGS THIS MONSTER DID NOT PLAN FOR – ME SURVIVING AND ME FIGHTING BACK
I AM STILL HERE
I STILL HAVE A VOICE
I AM TELLING MY STORY
One thing my “EX” was never good at is seeing anyone outside of himself, knowing and seeing a person for who they are, not how he interprets them
Lucky for me, my “EX” never actually paid any real attention to the person I genuinely am, the fighter, the truth teller
I am a PERSON WITH INTEGRITY and WILLPOWER THAT CANNOT BE SILENCED BY GOSSIP AND FALSE NARRATIVES
I am a STRONG HUMAN WITH A SET OF GENETICS THAT DEFIED THE MULTIPLE, ONGOING, SINISTER, CAMOUFLAGED, PHYSICAL ATTACKS, my “EX” WOULD PERPETUATE against me FOR YEARS IN HIS ATTEMPT TO EXTINGUISH MY LIFE
Stay tuned for the INSANITY that ENSUES and PLEASE PLEASE REMEMBER:
– BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE – IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT
XOXO – LAUNA
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
April 17, 2023
Focus on Dad – making that part whole – the trip to Midwest in July – don’t worry about making any other “major life plans” until after Midwest. I have no idea what frame of mind I will have until after that – I can’t make plans to move forward without reconciling these two main objectives.
April 22, 2023
I really think AB and I should start a podcast.
We have 2 niche markets
– midlife women 40+
– GenX largely underrepresented or acknowledged
We have a lot to say, we think we’re funny and smart
I have the microphones
We can do it virtually – video will add authenticity
(Me, in my head trying to sell the idea to AB)
FAD said he can help/edit
I can focus on content/topics/research and give to you
You can choose how much you want to contribute or produce
I’ll do all the research for how to get paid to stream, etc
My only hangup – social media – I have zero interest in cultivating/interacting and will probably delete all personal accounts due to anxiety about negative feedback.
That being said, we might know someone who would be interested in handling that part.
I’m dead serious, we have a lot to say about:
Women
Middle Aged Women
Women’s Rights – or lack of – in today’s society
GenX Women Specifically, a largely forgotten generation – Apathetic and Quiet
Maybe it’s time we make our Grand Reality Bites Manifesto to the world – Mid-Life Style
I really think this will be good for both of us and our friendship and it will be a fucking blast talking shit together
We have been waiting for this moment for all of our lives
OMG we can use our soccer picture as the podcast title picture!!!
