At the time I took my leave of absence from work – I felt like I was in the middle of an identity crisis of sorts
I was married – something I NEVER wanted in life and never thought I’d agree to
I was struggling to find my identity within and outside of the marriage
I was a completely different person in some ways and I couldn’t even remember the person I was before marriage – all I knew was that I wasn’t “me”
In November of 2022 I was 6 years into my marriage and 4 years into therapy for crippling depression (the onset came at the exact same time we exchanged vows – an ominous signal in the hindsight)
I was learning so much about “me” and feeling so very disconnected from “me” at the same time
I hated the “wife” I was and felt I was disappointing my husband in so many ways
I wasn’t the traditional wife be any means – I wasn’t staying home every day and preparing dinners ready on the table when he got home, I wasn’t cleaning and maintaining an organized home and my life didn’t revolve around supporting his career
I tried not working in the beginning of the marriage but it wasn’t for me
It didn’t feel good to ask for money from my spouse in order to do things
3 months into the marriage I began working – I tried part time at the retail store but soon found myself pulling 40 hour weeks – right back into the grind
I liked it, but my spouse was covertly admonishing it behind my back to his family – painting me as the “less than” version of the “real wives” his grandmother and mother had been – the decision to not have children made an even worse version for them to loathe
My crippling depression worked to my disadvantage as they had conversations (my spouse and his family) about how I didn’t have to work and chose to work – so I basically – CHOSE TO BE DEPRESSED – in his eyes and his family ate that up
I wasn’t good enough for him and my depression proved that
At the beginning of 2022 – I had worked on the depression in therapy
I had made huge leaps and was fully functioning, juggling my job and my wife duties but I still felt like something was wrong.
That’s when I decided to face the childhood trauma that haunted me on every corner of my neighborhood.
It was dissociating and confusing – but I didn’t realize it until the breakdown hit – I had no idea that asking such a “small favor” from the local police department/city council would have such HUGE implications. I had no idea it would impact my life beyond all recognition and repair
In this small moment, in this journal entry, I can see the relief – I felt like I was going to get my chance to focus on this and “solve it”
Little did I know it was this moment that was the beginning of the end of everything and a mere year later my life would be complete and utter chaos and I would be questioning everything about WHO I or WHAT I married and Begin REGRET the MOMENT I SAID yes 8 years before
In about year & 2 short months I’d almost die in a hospital bed in front of my spouse – I looked at him for what I expected to the last moment of my life – he looked relieved and I looked at him for what I expected to the last moment of my life
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT – thank you for reading XOXO Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts, and on the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused . My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
November 15, 2022
Every day feels a little “lighter” my head seems to have a different “clarity” each day. It’s only day 2 but I’m already so relieved that I made the choice to take this pause. I need time to figure out what Launa wants – what I/she/her – truly and genuinely wants – not the idea of what she wants or the fulfillment of everyone else’s perceived expectations of what I/she should do and should want – but her – what the mid-life me wants. Now. With the gifts of wisdom and experience, etc. the first 2 days have shown me that I very much am looking forward to meeting/getting to know/growing with this unfamiliar version myself – she feels pretty fun and kick ass as always.
