Reading back through this entry I can see my awareness – the cracks in my marriage beginning to show through to my sub conscience – my thoughts about “I” and not the “royal we” I had grown accustomed to mocking – the way the other “wives” did.
It’s weird to see it in my writing, to know that my conscience was so far away
I was still making “we” plans, married plans, partner plans – but I was beginning to see the “we” that never existed – except I couldn’t see it
I was conceptualizing it in my journals Hell, I was even royal we-ing my way through my therapy sessions, glowing about what a supportive and understanding spouse I had been lucky to snag –
I roll my eyes at my naiveté now – or perhaps its not so much my naïveté but my reluctance to admit the truth
I wanted to believe in the lie – I didn’t want to open my eyes and if I kept them closed then I wouldn’t have to wake up and face the reality
UGGGGGhhh – If I could go back in time and slap myself awake I would –
What a futile gesture for me to plan and conceptualize anything in this moment – yet here I was, full of hope and making plans like an idiot
Still choosing to look the other way as the Anchor Face of Death (he literally has an anchor tattooed on his face) I married began to – VERY SLOWLY – pull back the mask he was hiding behind
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT – thank you for reading XOXO Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts, and on the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused . My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
November 20, 2022
1 week of leave down. No regrets. I have zero regrets for taking this pause. I finally feel “alive” again – in a sense
that I finally have something to look forward to that isn’t an achievement of societal standards and expectations its not something material that I will wear and show off. It’s TIME. TIME to just be – to figure out what, where, when, why, how, who – for me and only me – What do I want to do?
-Where do I want to go?
– When do I want to do this?
– Why do I want to?
– Why am I doing this?
– How do I want to do this?
– Am I going to do this?
– Who do I want to please?
– Who do I want to partner with?
These are the things I have not been asking myself for far too long. Was home ownership ever MY DREAM?!??? Real estate investment is what I am interested in – NOT home ownership – But I could not see that. I was looking through my mother’s eyes. NOT mine.
Pacific Ocean, West Coast – Picture taken in the late 70’s by my Mom
