This is my first journal entry after going on official “LOA”/leave of absence from my job
I was working from home at the time, my first experience with that type of position, post Covid lockdown
Prior to my work from home stint I had spent almost 7 years working in a grocery store. I LOVED the job until Covid hit and essentially RUINED everything about the job for me due to various reasons. At this point I was out of the grocery industry for over a year and I LOVED working from home as my pivot out retail
Unfortunately there were several things about the living experience in the apartment that exacerbated my anxiety and I began to have issues being “happy” with my work. I was feeling very unheard and unseen both professional and personally in my marriage.
In the summer of 2022 I had a weird sudden onset of illness and found myself in the emergency room, the doctors were never able to precisely identify what I had and I ended up missing almost a week of work. It took one month to gain my strength back and I began to have weird, migraine type headaches shortly after the incident
In early November, my spouse and I had gone to Palm Springs for a long weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary – I got sick again during the trip and ended up missing almost another week of work – which is very uncharacteristic for me –
Once I returned to work, I had a weird “breakdown” episode during my work day
A very non-serious incident occurred, one that normally would roll off my shoulders, but for some reason that incident was different and I had a very strong emotional reaction. I literally couldn’t stop crying, like all day long
The incident occurred while my spouse was home from work on the same day – he suggested that the reaction I was having had nothing to do with work and perhaps with the personal situation I was dealing with. My spouse suggested I should consider taking some time off to focus on that situation
The “situation” revolved around my Dad and my efforts to obtain more information about him and get recognition for him from the local police department he worked for in the late 70’s/early 80’s
My spouse’s suggestion that I take some time off from work felt supportive helpful
I agreed and immediately reached out to both my therapist and psychiatrist and they both agreed and supported the idea
I officially began my 3 month Leave of Absence on this day – my first Monday without working – it felt like EVER – and it was – it was the first time I initiated anything like this – it was weird and to be doing it “for myself” was even more foreign to me – I needed to find a purpose and this is my first day of trying to find that
CURRENTLY – I AM SO MUCH FARTHER AWAY FROM KNOWING WHAT ‘MY PURPOSE IS’ TODAY THAN I WAS THAT DAY in November, 2022 – BUT I’M FREE FROM THE GRIPS OF AN ANCHOR OF DEATH THAT IS THE PERSON I MARRIED.
I’m still grappling with the intense regret I have for making this very ill-fated decision
A decision that would LITERALLY turn my whole world inside out and my life upside down – but I’ve learned a very important lesson – BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT – thank you for reading XOXO Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts, and on the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused . My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
November 14, 2022
I’m doing puzzles. I’m attracted to puzzles. It’s fitting for what I’m “feeling” is “happening” in my life shift right now. I’m literally discovering/finding whatever pieces of a puzzle that are coming together and being put together – discovering pictures/themes etc/that are a complete mind fuck – constant devastation – confusion- light bulb moments of disappointment – new disappointment out of previous moments of happiness/joy/mundane things are now so telling – and dark.
