I combined the following 3 journal entries together for one blog post.
They pertain to my attempt to get some recognition/acknowledgement for my Father from the Police Department.
The first entry is my outline/free thought exercise to try and get my message clear and concise before I typed out my formal letter of request to the Police Department.
The second entry is me, grappling with the uneasy feelings that came after I presented the letter to the Police Department and waited for a response.
The third entry is me, handling the devastation that came along with the Police Department’s refusal to do anything as far as giving my father any acknowledgment or recognition for existing and serving
There is a saying – “NEVER TALK TO COPS”
Despite the fact that my dad worked in law enforcement, I have always had a healthy distrust for law enforcement
The fact that he died when I was so young, combined with his complete erasure from the department, and its history in my hometown – I was always weary of interacting with law enforcement
Subconsciously, I never expected any favors or help from law enforcement, in my life, NEVER
Being a Gen Xer – I watched in horror when Rodney King was viciously beaten by a gang of Law Men
I was appalled – even more so when every single man – that beat the ever loving ish out of a man of color – one that was not fighting back – GOT OFF SCOT FREE WITH ZERO CONSEQUENCES
I completely understood why Los Angeles erupted into violence and insanity – I was rooting for the people – NOT THE COPS
I watched that unfold in real time
My mother – a VERY WHITE WOMAN – asked me how I felt about what was occurring
I expressed to her that I was rooting for the looting and that I enjoyed watching people raging in the streets
It felt as if I was watching an entire city/county, express the anger and rage I held inside of me – that I was never free to express
I totally understood how they felt and I felt it with them
My VERY WHITE MOTHER – was confused – she didn’t understand
My VERY WHITE MOTHER – also “lovingly” (her words) – called me her “little beaner” most of my childhood
My VERY WHITE MOTHER – saw it as a term of endearment – so I was not surprised at our disconnect
Being a female and a female of mixed ethnicity – one that DOES NOT LOOK WHITE AT ALL – I knew that law enforcement was not going to treat me with the same level of respect as the large, PREDOMINANTLY WHITE, population in my home town
My home town has racist “skinhead” roots, aryan pride roots
My last name alone – did not afford me the same respect as the PREDOMINANTLY WHITE population
Not only am I NOT WHITE – I’m female
I’m not the demographic that law enforcement typically serves – let alone protects – specifically true in the VERY WHITE county and even WHITER city that I’ve always called home
There are things that would happen later in my life that would sway my opinion – a little – and I will share more about those things at a later time
But for all intents and purposes – as it pertains to these specific journal entries
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO – TALK TO A COP – to try and get any type of help or support
My VERY WHITE SPOUSE – would also leverage his WHITE MALE PRIVILEGE – IN MY HOME TOWN – and WEAPONIZE LAW ENFORCEMENT AGAINST ME
The VERY SAME POLICE DEPARTMENT my FATHER DEDICATED his LIFE and SERVICE to
MY WHITE, PRIVILEGED, SPOUSE, would take full ADVANTAGE of the fact that the LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT – IN MY HOME TOWN – WAS NOT WILLING TO HELP ME IN MY REQUEST TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY FATHER
MY WHITE, PRIVILEGED, SPOUSE would MANIPULATE the LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT – IN MY HOME TOWN – TO FURTHER HIS NARRATIVE AS DOTING, DEDICATED, CONCERNED SPOUSE – OF HIS POOR, MENTALLY ILL, “SUICIDAL” (his words), WIFE – The DAUGHTER of the MENTALLY ILL OFFICER in the XXPD’S HISTORY that TOOK HIS OWN LIFE
MY WHITE, PRIVILEGED, SPOUSE would – WEAPONIZE the LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT – IN MY HOME TOWN – AGAINST ME
MY WHITE, PRIVILEGED, SPOUSE would LEVERAGE HIS KNOWLEDGE OF MY FATHER’S PAST and ENLIST the LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT – IN MY HOME TOWN – TO ASSIST HIM – IN HIS ATTACK ON MY LIFE – TO GET ME INTO THE HOSPITAL WHERE I ALMOST DIED
MY WHITE, PRIVILEGED, SPOUSE would LIE TO the MEDICAL STAFF ABOUT MY PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS – THE SAME HOSPITAL I WAS BORN IN – SPEAK ON MY BEHALF – TO THE POINT THE MEDICAL STAFF IGNORED ALL MY PHYSICAL WARNING SIGNS OF 2 MAJOR, POTENTIALLY LIFE ENDING, EPISODES – AND instead, HOLD ME INVOLUNTARILY, FOR PSYCHIATRIC REASONS
MY DISGUSTING, MONSTER OF A SPOUSE – TO THIS DAY – OFFERS HIS “POLICE REPORTS” and “MEDICAL RECORDS”
AS PROOF OF HIS VICTIMIZATION – BY WAY OF HIS CRAZY, MENTALLY ILL, PSYCHOTIC, “WIFE” to EVERYONE and ANYONE – IN MY HOME TOWN – that he can get to LISTEN TO HIS SOB STORY – AS PROOF THAT HE IS THE VICTIM AND I AM THE VILLAIN
BTW, my spouse is a cornbread white boy from the midwest
ITS ABHORRENT AND INSULTING THAT HE CONTINUES TO PEDDLE HIS NONSENSE IN A PLACE – NOT HIS HOMETOWN – HE’S LIVED IN FOR LESS THAN A DECADE
THE ENTITLEMENT MY “EX” CONTINUES TO LEVERAGE IS ABOMINABLE AND REVOLTING
Stay tuned for the PURE INSANITY that ENSUES and PLEASE PLEASE REMEMBER
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE – IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT
XOXO – LAUNA
A hefty ***TRIGGER WARNING*** applies for those that have gotten this far and choose to read further
The following Blog entries may contain content related to memories of childhood abuse, mental and physical, thoughts of suicide, suicidal ideation, parental suicide, childhood suicidal ideations and fantasies and childhood suicide attempts.
The contents of the following Blog entries may be triggering for some readers
*****PLEASE READ AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND CARE*****
In my many years of Psychotherapy I have reconciled with these issues and no longer struggle with them daily or with any type of regularity
My journals are free flow, free thought exercises that I utilized to deal with the overwhelming feelings I was dealing with at the time
I utilized the practice of journaling to get these thoughts and feelings out in the open and to fully explore them and work hard to resolve them
*****If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts or feelings of self harm THERE IS HELP AND YOU ARE WORTH IT*****
*****Please dial 988 for immediate resources and PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP*****
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
May 18, 2023
With it being “Mental Health Awareness Month” I wanted to follow up again regarding my Father, ARH
In my previous conversation I mentioned that I currently possess little to zero memorabilia pertaining to my father and his service to the XXPD
I was also “unsure” as to what, exactly, I wanted to get out of my request of information. At the time I was not aware of the SB1424 CPRA – the Freedom of Information Act of 1966
So now that enough tine has passed, I can answer this two-fold
One – per the SB1421 CPRA, FOIA of 1966 – I have the right to request access to the records of my father ARH pertaining to his death on January 9, 1984. I have included his death certificate for reference – LINK https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/billNavClient.xhtml?bill_id=201720180SB1424
– Investigating Privilege Section 6254(f) – LINK
– Senate Bill 1421 – 2018 – Pending – LINK
-Peace Officer Personnel Records or disclosure – code Section 832.7 – LINK
Both personal and professional as well as my own – as I believe my Mother – had attempted to make a report against BJH – when she physically assaulted me in the home she shared with my father, with a belt.
Two – My father’s headstone is not marked with anything signifying his service to the City of XX. I am in the process of getting a new one. I would like the XXPD to “approve” the use of the XXPD marker/emblem on the new tablet. I’ve also included a photos of his grave.
There is much more I’d like to discuss with you or anyone at the department who can assist me in furthering my attempt to make sure my Father’s erasure from this city’s history and it’s Police Department’s history is rectified.
I have included some other photos I have – my father on Academy Graduation Day and my Father’s grave site and the few member’s of the XXPD who attended his funeral and burial.
Please advise if you can help me at the department level or how to escalate this further
May 21, 2023
I started thinking about my dad when I was laying down with “my dog” – I got sad – wondered if he ever laid with me as a baby/small child
I have to believe we were close
How would I have learned to snuggle without any recollection?
Then I thought about “Stepmom” and what she did to me and how much she hated me – how much I feared her – especially after the beating – the big one anyway – I know there were others I don’t remember
I’ve spent my whole life maintaining that I never received regular spankings or physical punishment growing up – but now I’m not so sure – that might be a lie
It makes me feel sad, grief, anger, resentment
I’m sad for that little girl, me
I’m grieving for my dad’s heart that broke knowing he couldn’t protect me
I’m mad at “stepmom” and resent her
Although I don’t remember
I’m sure that’s when I began living in my head
I don’t have complete memories either – just flashes in my head of a moment
Not much else
May 30, 2023
Police Officer letter received
Don’t know how to feel
I feel everything
– Disappointment
– Anger
– Sadness
– Resentment
– Relief – IS there really ZERO records??? Do I NEED to see them??
Feels like a break-up
I ping pong between being OK & a Positive Outlook – “1st NO”
Feel defeated
My dad has literally been erased
No empathy – “only we weren’t talking about this then”
I have positive things I’m working on – Podcast
I have a friend that can, at least, offer me the opportunity at “No #2”
Time to regroup
Refocus on me? And my work and message to put out into the world
Still handle “dad stuff” but less of a priority – doesn’t feel as urgent
Took the dog out – saw a hawk flying above me – I’m seeing them a lot lately
As I write this 3:33
– set plans into action
– let personal strength guide me
– trust me
– put thought into choices/actions
Hawk – symbol of intellect
– independence
– adaptability
– messages
– clairvoyance and spiritual awareness
Considered an ominous warning
– be vigilant and cautious in face of adversity
Symbolizes – I need to take a leadership role
How much reliance am I placing on people? Maybe wrong the ones? – XXPD??
Further symbolizes
– Power
– Ambition
– Strength
One soaring in the sky – I keep seeing them
Meaning – I’m READY to take some HUGE LEAPS in life
– ready to extend my influence and make my mark on the world
The need – start looking forward and envision MY path ahead – maybe preparing for a greater role in life
MY ROLE – just me in the lead
My dad and all others in the background
Ready to grow and achieve goals
– Signifies focus, heightened awareness and disconcertment
– Important goal to complete but will need the help of others
– Signifies a point to take on greater responsibility
– Called upon to spread awareness and knowledge to those around unwilling to see the truth
It makes me sad
It hurts
My Mom was right/TF was right – the XXPD isn’t going to help me or give me any info
Now what?
– Take care of the gravesite its the only thing in my power at this point – follow up with the cemetery
– Ask for EF’s help and see if that helps me with my dad’s erasure
