In the following journal entry I am still attempting to manage the confusion, anger, dissolution, frustration, and lack of control that was overwhelming me at the time. I had set such clear goals for myself – for what I was hoping to achieve during my “break from work”
A break that I felt forced into – in the sense that
– I NEVER intended to stop working
– I NEVER intended to lose my financial independence and begin to depend on my spouse
– I NEVER intended to place more of my emotional dependence onto my spouse
Being vulnerable was never my strong suit – it’s always terrified me to trust in or depend on ANYONE BUT ME
I had set such a clear timeline- one year – that was the amount of time I was giving myself to achieve my goals that revolved around my Dad and his legacy
It was the timeline I had promised to my spouse – to only take a certain amount of time to handle “ME” – and then I would be more present in the partnership and less consumed with my Daddy issues
Nothing was going as planned and I could feel my spouse’s increasing frustration with me and my distraction and lack of focus on him and the marriage
I felt my spouse’s frustration along with my own – why couldn’t I just get these things done or accept the reality that I was not going to get anything I wanted?!?!?!
I had to regroup and cut some losses – Simplify my goals and attempt to identify something, ANYTHING that I thought I could still achieve with the 5 months I had left of my “break”
I didn’t want to further disappoint my spouse and continue to feel his increasing tension
I was disappointed in myself for “failing” over and over again
I was disappointed in my naiveté – how stupid I was to conceive that any of these goals would be easy, much less achievable
I felt like a total idiot – And I felt like my spouse was worlds away, bored with “supporting” his mentally ill wife and her lofty and unreasonable ideas about her father’s “Legacy” – Pretending to listen as I shared with him what I was able to research and what I could still consider realistic options
But my spouse wasn’t actually hearing ANYTHING I said
The problem is, I chalked that up to his personality, he is the type of person that is very self involved, always talking about himself, his opinions, his work, or his views of others through his lens – he was never really great at listening or hearing anyone but himself – but I was alway made to feel that if it was important to me – he was able to be present – at least that is what he had presented to me through the years – until this point in my “break to work on me”
This is when the mask begins to slip and I can see – VERY CLEARLY NOW
My spouse wasn’t hearing me because he was too busy maneuvering in the background. He listened much closer than I ever realized and he payed much more attention to things than he lead me to believe – but he did these things for HIS OWN BENEFIT – FOR HIS GRAND PLAN – He listened to the things that were important TO HIM SO THAT HE COULD WEAPONIZE THEM AGAINST ME
It’s incredibly difficult to look back now and see that so many of my actions at this point in time were in vain
I had no idea that in just 4 short months MY ENTIRE LIFE WOULD BE FLIPPED ON A DIME – MY SPOUSE WOULD BECOME MY TORTURER AND THE TORTURE OF MY DADDY’S LEGACY AND IT’S DELETION WOULD BE THE LEAST OF MY CONCERNS. MERELY STAYING ALIVE AND BEING ABLE TO IDENTIFY WHAT WAS ACTUALLY REAL IN MY WORLD WOULD BECOME AN – ALMOST – INSURMOUNTABLE, DAILY, TASK.
This is one of my final journal entries that will focus on my mental health as it relates to my childhood trauma’s and my work to heal myself.
The journals will soon become a time table style documentation of things and events that will have NOTHING to do with me working on myself and everything to do with ME ATTEMPTING TO TRUST MYSELF and get a grasp on my reality within a weird CYBER UPSIDE DOWN World that will begin to unravel and destroy everything about my reality, my life, and my marriage
The journal entries will devolve into the type of thing that movies are made of
The upcoming journal entries are what will eventually lead to my continued declaration
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE – IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT – thank you for reading, it truly means the world to me
XOXO – Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
June 23, 2023
DAD Stuff
Primary Goals:
1 – Get control of my father’s remains
His wife at the time buried my dad w/ an extra plot that will never be filled – she did this on purpose??
CA law – antiquated – has been updated in 2001 but not clear – cemetery will NOT BUDGE
His wife remarried soon after
His son (with her) was adopted by her NEW husband
Why does their family get control/ownership of my father FOREVER?!?!!? – Fucked up
WHAT ABOUT MY RIGHTS – I was 6 years old and she took everything
***Click LINK to view CA Health & Safety Code Division 8 – Cemeteries
***Click LINK to view CA Bill AB 322 Chaptered 10/05/01
2 – City of XX/XXPD
Acknowledge my Dad’s service to the community
I’m tired of the response, “We weren’t talking about mental health in 1984.”
We ARE NOW – So stop making that excuse MY Father served for 6 years and his mistake of infidelity would ruin his life – & mind – & tarnish his legacy
DO BETTER City of XX
