OOOOOOF – the following journal entry is difficult for me to revisit and comment on – having to acknowledge my own position in the ANGRY/HATEFUL/RESENTFUL space that I’m “calling” out in my Mother – it’s beyond difficult, it’s embarrassing, it’s haunting
I certainly didn’t want to make matters worse by attempting to have another conversation with her after this one went horribly awry and I utilized this as a way to get these feelings out of me, into a “safe” space like my journal and not at my Mother – However, much like everything happening at the time, I was unaware of how my “EX” would take this entry and use it to inflict pain onto both my Mother and me and damage our relationship to irreparable levels
This was a free-flow/free thought exercise I utilized after having a very NOT GOOD conversation with my Mother
I had to do something to manage the aftermath of despair, pain, and anger, I was seething with, after having this “very important” conversation with her that went Terribly
This conversation with my Mother was:
The first conversation we had in years
The conversation where I asked for her help
The conversation where she was able to express to me just how hurt she was by my actions years earlier
The conversation where my Mother flat out said to me, “I don’t have anything of your Dad’s” when I expressed to her that I intended to travel half-way across the country to retrieve the LARGE collection of MY DAD’s items/pictures/etc – that she maintained in her possession for over 40 years
The conversation I had to have on my spouse’s cell phone because my Mother had blocked my phone and number from all calls to hers
The conversation, after which, my former BFF, called my Mom, to attempt to “smooth things over” and ensure that my Mother did not damage or throw anything away – because I was now fearful of my Mom’s retaliation
The conversation that – now, over a year later – IS SO INCREDIBLY TELLING – IS SO REVEALING – IS SO OBVIOUS NOW
The conversation that should have showed me the few things that were already being orchestrated and happening behind my back – BY MY SPOUSE who was already BUSY planting seeds, with my Mom, and successfully turning her against me
The conversation that should have shown me – MY spouse was also busy recruiting my former BFF of 30 years, a therapist (but not my therapist), a friend that knew my Mother for 30 years and knows her well enough to offer to “help” me when I called her distraught over the fallout – My spouse was already recruiting this former BFF to assist him in TURNING MY MOTHER AGAINST ME
All of this is literally SLAPPING ME IN THE FACE/FALLING ON MY HEAD – BRICK AFTER PAINFUL BRICK/PAINFULLY OBVIOUS NOW – in the hindsight of it all
At the end of it, my Mother did, reluctantly, agree to “let me” get the items I was requesting from her home, in July of 2023, while my spouse and I visited the state and spent time with “our friends”
This conversation, the retrieval of my Dad’s items – DID NOT come without SEVERE CONSEQUENCES that I continue to deal with TODAY – that is the most haunting part – I try not to be regretful of decisions
Unfortunately, this conversation and the retrieval of my Dad’s items are the 2 of the decisions I have been trying not to regret – DAILY – for the last 9 months and counting
There’s also the part of this entry that deals with another very traumatic event in my life – this event happened in adulthood – at the ripe old age of 24 – a mere year or so after finally being told the truth about my Dad – by my Mother
I discovered my Grandfather, on his bathroom floor, I was the only one to discover that he had passed away
I was the lucky member of our very small family that got to spend his final moments with him – and the unlucky one to see him post expiration
It wasn’t a complete shock, he had become very ill very quickly and needed someone to be with him at his home daily
My Aunt, My Mom, and myself had rotating shifts and this was my shift
BUT I WASN’T PREPARED for this to happen when it did – not that there is ever a way to prepare for this type of thing – but when I checked on him that morning, early, before I went to exercise, before he would have normally been awake
IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT IT WOULD BE THE LAST TIME I WOULD SEE HIM ALIVE, MY LAST TIME I WOULD TELL HIM I LOVED HIM, THE LAST TIME I WOULD KISS HIM ON THE HEAD, THE LAST TIME in my life I WOULD BE ABLE TO HONESTLY SAY – I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN EXPIRED BODY
I will go into more detail at a later time about what a mind fuck that is/was
But for this entry, I would like to share just a little bit about HOW INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY GRANDFATHER IS AND WAS TO ME AND WHY I’M EXPRESSING SO MUCH RAGE AND ANGER AT THE STATEMENTS MY MOTHER MADE TO ME DURING THE PHONE CONVERSATION I’M REELING AFTER – AS IT PERTAINS TO THIS SPECIFIC JOURNAL ENTRY
After my Dad died my Grandfather stepped up BIG TIME
He filled the void left by my Dad, he became my BFF, the best BFF a little girl could have
To say my Grandfather and I had fun together would be a tremendous understatement, we enjoyed every single minute together, laughing, maintaining inside jokes, getting into trouble with my Grandmother, just being inseparable
My Grandfather built the foundation of what I should and would expect from a “man” in my life (one that my “EX” shamelessly exploited and masked himself to mimic) he taught me that I was important, and that I was and should be important to anyone I could let inside of my life
My Grandfather taught me what type of person is ok to trust and how to filter out the ones I shouldn’t
My Grandfather was proud, strong, resilient, kind, giving, loving, gentle, honorable, a survivor. He was everything I wanted to be
My Grandfather fought in WWII, in the US military – the branch now identified as the Air Force – he was a tail gunner in the South Pacific – a position that had one of the lowest survival rates
My Grandfather was the strong silent type – much like my father – living in his head, perhaps, because of the immeasurable trauma endured throughout his life – and, specifically, as a survivor of WAR and conflict
I connected with that on so many levels, others in our small family were very extroverted and social – I was not and he was not – BUT he was so incredibly likable, anyone that got through his walls, IMMEDIATELY LOVED HIM and ENJOYED HIS PRESENCE, CANDOR, HUMOR, OPTIMISM, and Fun loving nature
My Grandfather also stepped up tremendously to help my Mother – he lifted so many loads off of her plate, he drove me around to all my school centered events, took me to sports and dance practices, never missed a game, and filled in as “Parent” for me when my sports teams would travel for tournaments and my Mother could not accompany me
My Grandfather DIDN’T JUST HELP ME, HE HELPED MY MOTHER PARENT ME IN WAYS SHE COULD AND WOULD NOT BE CAPABLE OF FULFILLING
I honestly do not know where I would be today, if not for this incredible person that I am so lucky to have had as a my support system
This is just a TINY summation of how instrumental my Grandfather was to me and in my life and how incredibly INSULTING/HATEFUL/HARMFUL it was to have my Mother throw such a LOW BLOW into my face during a conversation that I was asking her for help and trying, very hard, to be considerate of her feelings, mindful of my actions, and humble in asking for her help
To have my Mother accuse me of being “nasty and angry” during a time I was attempting to manage my own trauma after finding the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE – dead on his bathroom floor, alone in his home with him – was MIND BENDING
As a matter of fact, in that moment, when she spewed those venomous words out at me – I was so shocked, I couldn’t even put together what I was hearing and what she was accusing me of, and how INCREDIBLY WRONG AND OUT OF TOUCH SHE WAS TO HURL SUCH AN ABUSIVE STATEMENT AND ACCUSATION AT ME
It wasn’t until after I got off the phone with her, had spoken to my EX BFF and my Aunt(my Mom’s sister) about the shocking conversation – that I was able to get out of the fog in my head and grasp the full gravity of the damaging statement My MOTHER had the audacity to make to me
This was pure ANGER AND RAGE – it was exactly what my Spouse had planned and wanted to happen
My Spouse succeeded in his mission, and now, to this day, I remain villainized in my Mother’s eyes for this traumatic event in my life
A hefty ***TRIGGER WARNING*** applies for those that have gotten this far and choose to read further
The following Blog entries may contain content related to memories childhood abuse mental and physical, unresolved parental anger, thoughts of suicide, suicidal ideation, parental suicide, childhood suicidal ideations and fantasies and childhood suicide attempts.
The contents of the following Blog entries may be triggering for some readers
*****PLEASE READ AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND CARE*****
In my many years of Psychotherapy I have reconciled with these issues and no longer struggle with them daily or with any type of regularity
My journals are free flow, free thought exercises that I utilized to deal with the overwhelming feelings I was dealing with at the time
I utilized the practice of journaling to get these thoughts and feelings out in the open and to fully explore them and work hard to resolve them
*****If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts or feelings of self harm THERE IS HELP AND YOU ARE WORTH IT*****
*****Please dial 988 for immediate resources and PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP*****
XOXO – Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
June 18, 2023
A mother is expected to feel many ways toward a child
– Hatred
– Anger
– & Resentment
Are not usually the expectation – yet you – “Mother” – seem to feel a lot of Anger, Resentment and Hatred towards “your child” – “ME/Launa” – Whom you have somehow convinced yourself – is the reason for your misery – Perhaps not feeling the normal expected motherly feelings like
– Love
– Empathy
– Acceptance
Towards one’s child – would create the opposite feelings
When someone shows you who they are – believe them
My mother has been showing me who she is – my entire life
I didn’t want to believe her
But I don’t get to decide the truth – her truth – she does and its pretty UGLY
How dare you try and tell me that, “When Grampy died you said you didn’t want anything because you were so Nasty & Angry”
Hey “MOM” – did I EVER cross your fucking mind that I – LAUNA – am the one that found YOUR DEAD DAD – MY DEAD GRANDFATHER on his bathroom floor?!?!?!!?!?!?!?
SO YEAH – I was probably GOING THROUGH SOME STUFF – you piece of TRASH human
To even THROW that in MY FACE
YOUR DEAD FATHER will live like that FOREVER IN MY MIND
BITCH
