The following 2 journal entries are when I realize that unpacking and dealing with the hefty amount of childhood trauma I’d been lugging around for 40 years was going to be a much larger undertaking than I originally expected.
Efficiency is my superpower, I’ve always been able to find ways to make things more efficient, even in my therapy.
When I first entered therapy for crippling depression, I was surprisingly efficient at facing it, dealing with it, and developing new ways to cope. My therapist would comment to this at the end of almost every session, she would commend me for the work I was doing and how much progress I was rapidly making.
BUT – that progress stalled once I decided to move forward from my Mommy issues to my Daddy issues – the mental breakdown that followed and the LOA from work further establish that cold hard fact.
5 months, almost half way into the year I gave myself- the year my spouse and I agreed that I would take off from working – I was struck by the cold hard reality that I hadn’t even began to scratch the surface.
Being an only child, my Mom documented EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of my life – especially from birth through my first 8 years. All of those pictures, legal birth and other documents, and holiday cards along with all of the pictures, wedding items, birth announcements and cards from my parents 5 year relationship, BEFORE I even existed, were contained in 2 yellow storage tubs at my Mom’s home in the midwest.
I had left them with her to keep safe after I got married because I didn’t know how much we would move or where my spouse and I would finally settle down “forever” – Little did I know – there, not only, would NOT BE a FOREVER, but all of those items and retrieving them would set off a chain of events in my life – initiated by the MONSTER I MARRIED – that would shatter my entire life, sense of reality, and relationship with my Mom, INTO A MILLION PIECES.
To add insult to injury, I learned that I had no legal power to do anything about my dad’s gravesite due to next of kin laws in CA and the fact that my dad was married to another woman at his time of death.
As if that wasn’t enough – I had also reached out to local law enforcement in my home town – asking for some acknowledgment of my Dad and his service to the Police Department.
When my dad took his life in 1984 mental health was not only NOT TALKED ABOUT – but it was SHOVED DOWN AND HIDDEN – so my Dad’s death was the same as far as the Police Department was concerned. I was hoping, 40 years later, now that mental health and suicidal awareness are very much in the cultural zeitgeist – the local law enforcement/Police Department in my home town, the one my Dad dedicated his life to public service as a member of, would consider, at the very least, mentioning him, acknowledging his service, take “him” out of the hidden archives and SAY HIS NAME.
I had all of these major life matters that I was trying to navigate and I was so distracted with these things that I had no idea that my spouse was working hard behind the scenes to
WEAPONIZE ALL OF THIS
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ALL OF MY TRAUMA
UTILIZE ALL OF MY PERSONAL TRAGEDIES
MY SPOUSE WAS PLANNING HIS FULL ON ASSAULT ON ME, MY REALITY AND MY LIFE
My “EX” would SHATTER everything, he would turn my most prized possession (up until recently) my dad’s police badge mirror that my grandmother, his mother, had made for me.
My spouse turned that prized possession INTO A SHATTERED MESS OF PAIN AND A SYMBOL THAT TRYING TO WORK ON MY DADDY ISSUES WOULD SHATTER MY LIFE, RUIN IT, ALMOST END IT, AND REVEAL THAT I HAD NOT CHOSEN A PARTNER IN LIFE, BUT A DIABOLICAL SUBHUMAN THAT POUNCED ON AN OPPORTUNITY IN MY DISTRACTED WEAKNESS TO VICTIMIZE HIMSELF AND VILLAINIZE ME.
The journal entries will begin to ramp up into LITERAL INSANITY after July, stay tuned and remember – BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE. Thank you for reading – XOXO Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
April 3, 2023
After almost 5 months of leave – one thing is clear – NO WAY CAN I GO BACK or even look for work before more progress has been made.
Currently I’m choosing to live with and process the feelings and emotions that I’ve pushed down my entire life – I’m choosing to feel it and live with it instead of medicating it. The depression and anxiety – those are things I’m working through and managing – the ADD is medicated and I’d like to keep that as is for now. Choosing to medicate what is already being medicated and not adding anything else.
My therapist is supportive of this choice of action. I am processing deeply traumatic experiences from my childhood. There is no way I can return to or look for another job at such a crucial point.
I have a trip planned in July to go to where my Mom lives and retrieve all of my lifelong photos and keepsakes. They have been separated from me for over 10 years. All of that is crucial in continuing this process and make sense of the info I have.
I’m deciding what to do about my dad’s gravesite – do I get a new headstone or consider more drastic measures?
The Police Department still has not received any more information – do I need to get their approval to put PD on the headstone?
C.O.P.S (concerns of police survivors) – follow up with them
Spiritual meditation retreat
April 12, 2023
I read something today that helped me to connect a lightbulb moment
In an article about healing our inner child – the author is giving an example of what that might look like – one slapped me right across my face: Some people with a wounded inner child will experience a sense of disconnect or incoherence – like saying – “Oh yea, my dad died, but then I was totally fine.”
This has literally been the theme for my entire life experience of losing my father at age 6 – He died but I’m fine with it, it’s totally ok.
The truth is, it’s never been and I’m finally working on it.
