During the first month of my leave of absence from work, I was having a hard time feeling useful
I always worked
I got my first part-time job – a few hours a week – making cold calls for an insurance agent – at 14
Now that I was “doing nothing everyday” it was difficult to continue to assume my old “identity” as a person who worked to make money
It was especially difficult under the guise of “self-help”
What was I doing every day to help myself?
How was I improving?
I hated the idea of explaining it to people, it was a pressure I put on myself
It’s not like there was a constant inquiry from my network about my daily accomplishments – yet I felt a self inflicted pressure to “DO SOMETHING”
But there was a constant inquiry from my spouse and my “BFF” – she’s a Therapist
I could feel their judgment and concern when they checked in on me
My spouse daily and my “BFF” weekly
I was in therapy once a week, I felt like I needed to DO MORE – or – at the very least – learn more about the options I had to “make progress”
If I didn’t make any progress after this Leave of Absence – then what the hell was the point?
I watched all the things and listened to to all the podcasts
I wanted to make sure that I could prove to myself and my spouse and my “BFF” (the “professional/ the therapist”) that I was “doing the work” – despite the fact that I wasn’t working for money
I wasn’t contributing anything valuable to the household bottom line – and I certainly wasn’t doing anything that anyone but me, my spouse, and my “BFF” would find useful or interesting
I immediately began to regret my decision to take the break to focus on me
It was lonely and I immediately felt lost – the disconnect and distance between my spouse and I growing every day
I didn’t want him to see me as “broken”
Ironically enough – he was already hard selling that exact version of me – the BROKEN, MENTALLY UNWELL WIFE – out into the world as I obsessed over the ways I could attempt to hide it
I was already “lost” as far as he was concerned – and he was already laying the groundwork for his big escape
My spouse chose the perfect partner in crime – my lifelong “BFF” (“the professional”/“the therapist”)
They would refer to themselves as “the two people closest to” me that knew me better than anyone
They would refer to themselves at “the two people with nothing to gain” from any of my pain
These the TWO PEOPLE – who coined these phrases for themselves – WOULD LITERALLY DESTROY MY LIFE – LESS THAN ONE YEAR LATER
These TWO PEOPLE would DESTROY MY LIFE under the guise of being the closest ones to me with nothing to gain – “acting out of pure love and concern for my safety and well being”
These TWO PEOPLE actively EXPLOITED and WEAPONIZED my childhood ABANDONMENT issues to LITERALLY ABANDON ME
These TWO PEOPLE TEAMED UP TOGETHER and ABANDONED ME because MY MENTAL HEALTH JOURNEY AND their perceived LACK OF IMPROVEMENT on my end became “TOO EXHAUSTING FOR THEM TO DEAL WITH ANYMORE”
I’m still trying to figure out the mental gymnastics they used to have that make sense for them and everyone else they’ve suckered in their warped view of events
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT
Thank you for reading XOXO Launa
November 29, 2023
EMDR – therapy for large life experiences.
Actually being used on adults to cope with childhood trauma.
I’m overwhelmed and feel as though I’m feeling everything all at once – GREIF – SADNESS – its overwhelming
It’s hard to navigate. I’m trying to take care of this little girl – ME – the one that never felt taken care of – and I’m also an adult – the product of all the trauma the little girl held inside. It’s not easy.
