When I look back at these journal entries I remember things that were going on at the time – very poignant, telling things, foreboding pieces of the puzzle I’m still struggling to piece together
In October 2022, my spouse and I were in escrow on a condo – I was so hopeful the purchase of “our very own home” would be the new beginning we needed
We were dealing with tense issues stemming from a VERY CONTENTIOUS relationship with our downstairs neighbor
The ongoing tension with the neighbor became a HUGE stressor in our marriage – mostly because I felt like the situation was entirely my fault
My spouse behaved supportive towards me – he always verbalized his support – TO ME – when we were alone in our apartment, and our everyday lives
My spouse made me believe he was on my side and “hated that guy” as much as I did
My spouse couldn’t wait to move away from the situation he had “no power” to fix and was as eager as I was to move away from it
Then we got the disappointing news that Escrow had fallen through – my spouse’s self employed income wasn’t enough to qualify us for the VA backed loan we had applied for
My spouse served in the Air Force in his early 20’s – honorably discharged early (for failing alcohol rehabilitation) – never having to see combat or be shipped to another country
My spouse was not what one would expect as a “typical Veteran” at least the typical stereotype in most people’s minds
My spouse didn’t freely offer up the information about himself either – he utilized it sparingly – expertly interjecting it into awareness when it would give him an advantage – A SHOCKING SURPRISE to the person learning the information
Anyway, one of the benefits of service in the military is the opportunity to obtain a VA home loan – a government backed loan, with zero down payment that gave us that elusive opportunity at homeownership – a unicorn of sorts in EXPENSIVE Orange County CA where the down payment alone would be an entire home in most parts of the country, especially in the midwest
To say we were dismayed at the news that the loan fell through would be a severe understatement – not only had our “American Dream” of homeownership been ripped away on a technicality – but now, we had to stay in a very tense living situation that only seemed to get worse over the years and months
Now that we had to stay, we would be going on year 3 of a slowly escalating situation
My spouse was also presenting the “neighbor situation” in a completely different light to everyone else “not in the know”
My spouse was telling our other neighbors and our friends – BEHIND MY BACK – that the situation with the neighbor was all on me – it was my fault – I was the one who the neighbor (a MAN) had issues with because of who I am and my “abrasive and aggressive” personality
My spouse would tell everyone else – BEHIND MY BACK – that he didn’t think the neighbor was a problem, he actually liked the guy, and he wished that I was less aggressive
My spouse would tell everyone else – BEHIND MY BACK – that it was my personality that was making the situation with the neighbor worse – not the neighbor and certainly not the neighbors behavior
This was the beginning of my spouse’s “it’s all in her head narrative” and now that our condo had fallen out of escrow – he was beginning to “see” my “mental health” issues magnified under the pressure
I was so distracted with my daddy and mommy issues, I saw the loss of the Condo purchase as a message from the universe – an existential question to ask myself :
Who was I trying to please??
Why was I placing such significance on things that have never had much importance in my life??
Home ownership was NEVER something I wanted, just like Marriage
I didn’t want or need either of these things, and they were never personal goals of mine – until they……were????
After being married for almost 7 years, knowing we would never have a family – BY CHOICE – homeownership seemed like the only logical step to AUTHENTICATE the relationship in a society where a marriage without children just “doesn’t make sense” or seems like “a waste”
After the initial disappointment faded, I was relieved that we weren’t “STUCK”, we were free again to make new goals and, maybe, move around a bit
BUT NOW – IN THE HINDSIGHT – I CAN CLEARLY SEE:
I WAS RELIEVED
MY MARRIAGE WAS FAKE
I WAS MARRIED TO A NARCISSIST
I WAS LIVING A LIE
I WAS BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF THE MONSTER HIDING BEHIND THE MASK
The ANCHOR TATTOOED ON HIS FACE – SO SYMBOLIC – BUT NOT YET RELEVANT
If we had closed on that condo – I would probably be homeless today because my spouse would have done EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER to weaponize it against me, just like everything else I was doing for me and everything I believed I was doing for “us” at the time
As I reflect back on this journal entry I can clearly see why I made this one
I was exploring a lot of podcasts and had discovered a podcast about neuroscience and how it affects our emotions – it explores topics about brain development, brain function and neural plasticity and how the science can help us rewire our nervous system and learn new behaviors, skills and improve cognitive functioning.
The podcast is called the “Huberman Lab” – Click LINK for Podcast information and webpage
I was listening to it daily (started with episode one and was working my way through the archives) as I continued to grasp at the straws of my life that seemed to be falling apart, one by one
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT
Thank you for reading XOXO Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts, and on the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused . My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
November 28, 2022
It makes sense that we know the least about the brain and we are just now – struggling to acknowledge – talk about – and understand mental health.
The brain and mental health – the 2 things we have collectively IGNORED as a species – HUMANSThe brain and mental health – the 2 things we have collectively IGNORED as a species – HUMANS
