During the first few weeks of my leave I struggled with the notion that I had my “breakdown” because of my trauma –
I had my “breakdown” because horrible things happened to me during my childhood
I had my “breakdown” because I shoved the events of my childhood and the feelings from those events deep down inside of me and
I had my “breakdown” because I just kept living my life like nothing ever happened to me
I never identified as a victim
I always presented myself as being “okay” with my life – all of it – the good and the bad – the bad things didn’t define me – they just happened – like bad things happen to a lot of people
I wasn’t damaged by those things
I was good despite those things
But then, out of nowhere
I WAS NOT OK WITH ANYTHING – and it was probably because of THOSE THINGS – THOSE VERY BIG THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN CHILDHOOD
I COULDN’T ESCAPE THOSE THINGS AND THE EFFECTS THOSE THINGS HAD ON ME – NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED TO IGNORE THEM ACCEPT THEM AND BE OK WITH THEM
I NEEDED TO FACE THOSE THINGS AND ACCEPT THAT THEY DID AFFECT ME AND CONTINUE TO AFFECT ME IN MY LIFE
NO matter how OK and good with THOSE things I want to pretend to be
This was one of the epiphanies I had in a therapy session once I began my leave of absence
I have always been very guarded, I don’t open up often and if I do its strategic but not for pity, it’s so that I seem more human
I don’t want to appear weak and I certainly don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me
I learned, at a very young age, that I got a lot of pity from people when they found out I lost my dad at age 6
It’s an uncomfortable feeling for me
I hated hearing the obligatory offer of condolence – it made me feel bad that my loss made that person feel bad
I always struggled with being vulnerable as a result – so I always worked hard to appear strong and fine, good with my set of circumstances in life, the trauma didn’t define me and it certainly didn’t weaken my spirit, if anything IT MADE ME STRONGER
As I began to explore these ideas more in therapy, my therapist challenged me to “own the trauma and own my truth” – it wasn’t what I CHOSE for MYSELF – but it certainly was WHAT HAPPENED TO ME and WHAT HAPPENED IN MY YOUNG LIFE
Even though I knew what it was, I had to say it, acknowledge it, and own it
I needed to stop having a robotic, indifference to my truth and begin to embrace it – as ugly as it is – it’s mine to embrace
But I needed to choose it, I needed to say it, I needed to accept it, and only then, could I decide if I was FINE AND OK WITH IT
A hefty ***TRIGGER WARNING*** applies for those that have gotten this far and choose to read further
The following Blog entries may contain content related to memories childhood abuse mental and physical, thoughts of suicide, suicidal ideation, parental suicide, childhood suicidal ideations and fantasies and childhood suicide attempts.
The contents of the following Blog entries may be triggering for some readers
*****PLEASE READ AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND CARE*****
In my many years of Psychotherapy I have reconciled with these issues and no longer struggle with them daily or with any type of regularity
My journals are free flow, free thought exercises that I utilized to deal with the overwhelming feelings I was dealing with at the time
I utilized the practice of journaling to get these thoughts and feelings out in the open and to fully explore them and work hard to resolve them
*****If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts or feelings of self harm THERE IS HELP AND YOU ARE WORTH IT*****
*****Please dial 988 for immediate resources and PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP*****
XOXO – Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts, and on the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused . My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
November 30, 2022
My parents divorced when I was 3
My father had an affair and got caught – I was a pawn
My stepmother beat me so bad it bruised my bum
I was 4 or 5
My dad died when I was 6
I made a suicide attempt at 7 or 8
I’ve never stopped thinking about myself DYING – EVER
I am a 45 year old with childhood trauma
I CHOOSE ME AND I CHOOSE TO LOVE ME
I learned the truth about my dad at age 23
My dad committed suicide. He took his own life
It finally made sense – the DARKNESS that has followed me – been a part of me – He had it too.
He knew the struggle
He couldn’t take it
He was alone
I AM NOT – I don’t have to follow his path
Instead I’m choosing to be a voice – for him – for me – for anyone out there struggling
YOU ARE WORTH IT
Your life is worth living
I AM WORTH IT
MY life is worth living
