This entry is quite interesting to look at
I actually USED TO LOVE my Birthday
My Mom’s pivot out of having birthday parties for me was pretty amazing as a kid – back in the 80’s – pre annual pass holder days – getting an entire day at Disneyland to do anything with a buddy was pretty epic
And that was how I got to spend my birthday- EVERY SINGLE YEAR – from age 7 until I got too cool in my teen years
My birthday always fell on or around Thanksgiving (I was born on Thanksgiving, a true Turkey)
Depending on how close to Thanksgiving my birthday was – Disneyland was THE MOST MAGICAL PLACE TO BE – it became the Christmas explosion of good feeling, delicious smells, and cheerful celebration – it was even MORE EXCITING THAN REGULAR DISNEYLAND and DOPE AF to get to spend my entire birthday there, every year
My 16th birthday fell ON thanksgiving – that was the first one I remember ABSOLUTELY SUCKING
I melted down – bitter and angry that my 16th birthday had to be spent on the obligatory family feast of turkey and all day football games. I didn’t get a sweet 16 blowout bash – all my friends were away with their families – I was probably grounded and couldn’t go to any good parties – I sulked angrily around my Grandmother’s the entire day and pushed back on all my Mom’s suggestions on salvaging the day and folded inside myself
After my 16th birthday I made sure to CELEBRATE HUGE
I’d make it a weeks long event and party the week – sometimes the entire month – away with friends
Now that we were all teens and young adults – we had independence and free will to do what we wanted – and an entire week to do it – free from school obligations (high school and college) and tons of parties to go to
I spent the majority of my 20’s – RAGING FULL ON – for – at least, a solid week – EVERY YEAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY
The memories fuzzy but AMAZING none the less – EPIC times were had
By my early 30’s I mellowed out a bit as did the celebrations, but I still celebrated myself with my friends and took the time off from work – I NEVER WORKED ON MY BIRTHDAY – EVER
It wasn’t until my 32nd birthday that I went back to loathing them – my mother had a stroke 2 days before my birthday that year
That was the first year that I hadn’t received a call from her – I assumed she forgot until I got the call from her boyfriend – the day after my birthday – 3 days after she had – an almost – LIFE ENDING STROKE – that I was informed as to the reason I didn’t get the call from her – also – WHY THE F&*K WOULD THIS PERSON NOT CALL my MOM’s ONLY CHILD TO ADVISE ME THAT SHE WAS HANGING ONTO LIFE BY A THREAD?!?!!?
That’s an entirely different story altogether but the shock I felt was tremendous and I immediately hopped on a plane to the midwest to be with my Mother
I moved up to the midwest a little more than a year later to be close to her and I have slowly began to detest my birthdays again since then.
I even started to work on my Birthday because it was more fun that spending it with my spouse
I met my spouse in the midwest and I’ve spent my last 12 birthdays with him – AND HE SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ANYTHING THAT DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND HIM – SO MY BIRTHDAYS HAVE BEEN ONE GIANT SUCK FEST SINCE MOVING TO THE MIDWEST AND MEETING MY SPOUSE SHORTLY THEREAFTER
It wasn’t until – after years of therapy – that I reconned with the failed slumber party and the feelings and observations I’m exploring in the following journal entry – no doubt I was struggling inside – wondering why I hated my birthday
So instead of pulling my head out of the sand and looking at the soul sucking ANCHOR FACE OF DEATH I married – I blamed it on my Mom
Lucky her
These days I pretend my birthday doesn’t exist and I NEVER GET A CALL OR TEXT FROM MY MOTHER – but that’s because of my SPOUSE and his insertion of himself into mine and my Mother’s relationship
I don’t blame her and I don’t really care – once I hit 40 I stopped celebrating me with anyone but myself-(well, I’ve had to spend them with Anchor Face of Death but not anymore!) and it’s not because I’m “old” it just seems juvenile, at least to me and for me
I don’t judge anyone for celebrating themselves on their birthday – but for me – it’s not really a miracle and it certainly isn’t mine – it’s just the day a woman gave birth to me – a day that is used to identify my ability to retire or get access to an AARP discount – as simple as that
There’s nothing to really celebrate- as my soon to be EX spouse so eloquently told me the week before he exited my life unannounced while I was taking a shower – “YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL, YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH, YOU’RE NOT THAT SPECIAL”
And I agree – my birthday is just another day for everyone else on the planet that doesn’t share the same birthday – IT’S NOT SPECIAL TO THEM AND NEITHER AM I – PERIOD
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT – thank you for reading XOXO Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts, and on the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused . My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
November 24, 2022
I F*$KING HATE MY BIRTHDAY. HAAAAAAAATE IT.
I used to think it was because it falls on Thanksgiving every 4-6 years BUT I’m beginning to see that it’s WAY more than that.
At a young age I saw how devastating a Birthday – or ANY special day – can be when the expectation far exceeds the actual outcome.
Example: my slumber party at 5 turning 6 years old. LITERALLY – only 2 people came. AB and KM – the latter was my babysitter’s daughter that bullied me daily. That’s it – no one else attended. My theme was The Smurfs – I remember preparing the goodie bags and getting all the matching supplies – all Smurf themed.
I could see my mom’s facial expression turn – it made me increasingly uncomfortable as every minute went by that NOBODY showed up. KB was the 1st and she wasn’t really my friend, so that sucked. AB was SUPER late – BUT I remember being SOOOOOOOO relieved that she came – it would hopefully make my Mom happy/more comfortable to be around. This also wasn’t the first time this happened – but that’s another story. It also may have been my 1st birthday celebration post Father Death (*I went back and checked the timeline it wasn’t it was the last one before Father Death*) or the one right before – not sure. Anyway – that was literally the last time my mother ever tried to have a birthday party for me. Thanksgiving was always at play – folks are out of town, entertaining family, etc. – Not like the summer kids or the school year birthday kids. Holiday Birthday’s SUCK. After that I got to go to Disneyland and bring a friend. My mom would take us and we’d stay all day and do whatever we wanted. It was fucking cool shit – BUT I still knew how disappointing my birthday would be.
