The following journal entry is one of the last I make before my trip to gather my Dad’s items from my Mom
I make one more journal entry in early July and then there is a month and a half in between my journal entries
I had A LOT going on in July and August of 2023
My spouse and I traveled to the midwest on an, almost, 2 week road trip
I saw my mother for the first time in years and it wasn’t awful – it was actually nice
My spouse and I spent over 8 hours in her home – going through pictures and documents
I was able to see the more human side of my mother as she got emotional recalling stories about her relationship with my father
I gathered 2 “tubs of trauma” to travel back to the West Coast with
I gathered together 2 Tubs I would go through – OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I AM STILL GOING THROUGH THEM – trying to organize and piece together my early life and my parent’s life before and after I arrived – before and after my dad’s death
I ABSOLUTELY DETEST the FACT that I ALLOWED MY SPOUSE to go THROUGH SO MUCH OF THE CLUTTERED MEMORIES and KEEPSAKES
I’m BITTER that I ALLOWED MY SPOUSE to “HELP” ME gather together what was MOST IMPORTANT to ME
I hold a HOSTILITY inside me – about WHAT A VIOLATION that allowance TURNED OUT TO BE
The allowance THAT I INVITED HIM – SHARED WITH HIM – and INCLUDED HIM in the process
I BRISTLE at the face that I LET THAT VILE MAN GO THROUGH MY PERSONAL TRAGEDIES
I ALLOWED that REPULSIVE EXCUSE FOR A PARTNER to SORT THROUGH the TRAUMA I HAD YET to RECON WITH
I INVITED THAT DEGENERATE HUMAN to PILFER an ARSENAL of WEAPONS – FROM MY DAMAGED childhood – he used to continue to CARRY OUT HIS PLAN – A plan THAT he ALREADY began to implement
I realize now, that – AT THAT POINT IN TIME – I was ALREADY – REGULARLY (potentially)- Being physically – POISONED
I HAD ALREADY MADE ONE TRIP TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM – EXACTLY One YEAR EARLIER
IN JULY OF 2022 – SUFFERING AN UNIDENTIFIABLE ILLNESS THE DOCTORS WERE UNABLE TO DIAGNOSE
I STOPPED BREATHING IN THE Emergency Room THAT DAY in July, 2022
I WOULD DO THE EXACT SAME THING IN FEBRUARY 2024(something my spouse would boast about – TO ME – days after the incident – in our living room in February, 2024)
In the Emergency Room in February 2024 – I was SUFFERING – EERILY SIMILAR SYMPTOMS – to the ones I suffered in July 2022 – but MUCH MORE EXTREME
My SPOUSE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIS ACCESS TO MY TRAUMA
My SPOUSE TOOK ADVANTAGE – SO THAT HE COULD BEGIN TO MANIPULATE A NARRATIVE IN WHICH MY PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS – THE ONES I HAD been experiencing OFF AND ON – FOR OVER A YEAR – with increasing severity
My spouse WOULD BEGIN TO MANIPULATE the narrative of the physical symptoms I was suffering – INTO SOMETHING PSYCHOLOGICAL in nature
My spouse WOULD BEGIN TO – BEHIND MY BACK – SELL this altered NARRATIVE TO MY MOM, MY EX BFF AND MY ACQUAINTANCES, OUR SHARED ACQUAINTANCES, to HIS CO-WORKERS
My spouse WOULD LAY THE GROUNDWORK FOR HIM to APPEAR as the ADORING, CONCERNED, ATTENTIVE HUSBAND – physically WITH HIS WIFE ALL THE TIME – FORCED to TAKE DAYS and WEEKS OFF from WORK to TEND TO ME
My spouse would PROCLAIM to everyone he could – HIS INCREASING CONCERNS ABOUT MY MENTAL WELL BEING
My spouse would PROCLAIM that he was NOTICING CHANGES IN MY BEHAVIOR THAT WERE ESCALATING – ALARMING HIM to the RAPID DECLINE in “her(MY) mental health and stability”
Once again I’m haunted by the following journal entry
It’s me looking for symbolism – DESPERATE TO FIND IT ANYWHERE I could
DESPERATE TO FIND HOPE AND POSITIVITY as I continued to trudge through the darkness of my past
But I was so UNAWARE OF THE DARKNESS IN MY PRESENT – EVERYDAY – “PARTNERSHIP”
THE DARKNESS I MARRIED
THE DARKNESS AND THE DANGER OF MY SPOUSE
The escalation in the TRAUMA/TRAGEDY/DARKNESS that would upend my life for OVER ONE YEAR STRAIGHT
It spiraled rapidly in September and has not relented nor shown to have any end in sight
It’s still happening, day by day, week by week, month by month, now, going on year #2
So this is why I say – BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE – IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTY THAT
Thank you so much for reading – XOXO LAUNA
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
June 29, 2023
EGRETS – I keep seeing them
One literally jumped out of a bush in front of “dog” and me on a walk a couple weeks ago
Anywho – I saw one flying on my walk today and it was SO COOL
Symbolism – spot on right now
Egrets
Presence symbolizes – goodness and protection, a reminder that brighter days will come, no matter how dark things may seem
Native American symbolism – divine power, dignity and grace – a symbol of harmony with nature, the wonder of life itself
Seeing one meaning – peacefulness, nobility, perseverance, patience
Eastern Symbolism – peace, purity, natural beauty, associated with luck and fortune
Seeing on in flight – freedom from the physical ties of life – ultimate grace and energy
Christianity symbols – divinity, poise, holiness – awe of beholder
Celtic symbolism – sadness, mourning – ward off bad luck
African symbolism – pease, serenity, prosperity – linked to wisdom, simplicity and ancient rituals
Spiritual symbolism of Egrets – purity, enlightenment, awareness, grace, poise, energy, balance – when seen often in flight it can signify strength, grace, and harmony with the connection of nature
Egret Encounters – seen as a sign or great Omen of great things to come – assurance, courage, wealth, and good health – have faith in the future
Egrets in Folklore – messengers between the physical/mortal world and the spiritual realm – symbolism of balancing of life’s joys and sorrows with their uplifting spirit
Egret Totem – grace, purity, patience – Be kind and wise in communication with others and have confidence in myself as I walk through this journey
Animal spirit guide – seek joy even in the simplest of things – reverence for Earth and respect for all living creatures – be mindful but not attached to my success or goals – enjoy the moment I’m in Harmony/Balance/Peace
