This blog the previous blog posts were both written on the same day, one in my everyday journal and this one in one of my “hidden journals”
I made each journal entry a separate blog post
To say I was struggling is a SEVERE UNDERSTATEMENT
I WAS ANGRY, FURIOUS, ENRAGED, SEETHING
The easiest targets for me to unleash on – were my Mom and Stepmom – but the truth is, in the hindsight, I’m angry at the system
The completely F&%CKED system that continued to slam its doors in my face – my pain filled existence – the little girl who just wanted her Dad back – un-erased from her hometown – an acknowledgment on his grave
A SMALL TOKEN OF RESPECT
Paid to a man who served his community
In a city where “blue lives matter” flag stickers adorn all the gas guzzling trucks that have more use in the midwest than in this flat, non-farming centered community
A community where a large number of these “blue lives matter” flags and emblems are proudly displayed on the road in large quantities
A community where there are numerous “blue lives matter” flags hanging in the flag poles outside a plethora of the suburban beach sprawled homes
WHY WAS MY DAD DIFFERENT??
WHY DIDN’T MY DAD MATTER??
WHY WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME??
WHY IS THIS SO F$#CKING DIFFICULT?!??!?!
I didn’t (and still don’t) feel like I was asking for much
I wasn’t asking for a parade or a ceremony at the pier
I just wanted the Police Department &/or the city TO SAY HIS NAME AND ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HIS SERVICE TO THE COMMUNITY OVER 40 YEARS AGO
Why is the political BS of “mental health not being talked about at that time” being deadpanned back to me when the current City Council LITERALLY HAD A SUICIDE AWARENESS EVENT FOR VETERANS – AT THE PIER – LAST YEAR?!?!?
Don’t get me wrong – I’m beyond appreciative of the efforts to bring suicide awareness into the foreground and for Military Veterans that deserve it
My Grandfather is a WWII Veteran
One of my close friends from High School, a Military Veteran, took his own life in 2018
I applaud the effort and acknowledgment for this segment of service
BUT WHY NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE PERSON IN THE CITIES – LITERAL – BACKYARD – THE ONE WHO DEDICATED HIS (albeit short) LIFE TO SERVE AND PROTECT HIS COMMUNITY?!?!?!
WHAT AND WHERE IS THE DISCONNECT?!?!?
IT’S DEMORALIZING TO ME AS HIS DAUGHTER AND THERE IS A LEVEL OF DISRESPECT THAT – IS SO INCREDIBLY OVERWHELMING – I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO ARTICULATE IT
So on this day, last year – I unleashed my wrath onto my Mom and Stepmom into my journal(s)
It’s painful and almost shameful to look back on both of these entries
In my previous Blog Post I explained how I was able to forgive my Mom
In this one I will explain how I forgave my Stepmother
I had actually forgiven her long before my Mom it was much easier, for some reason, for me to put myself in my stepmom’s place
Perhaps, because she isn’t my Mom and I didn’t spend much time with her in my daily life or many years with her in my life
When it came to finding forgiveness for my Stepmom, I was able to see her as young, 5 years younger than my mother, in her early 20’s.
I could see how difficult it must have been for her to be “the other” woman, getting involved with a married man who, more than likely, mislead her about his marriage and its current state when she decided to get involved with him
I also knew how much my family – my Dad’s side of the family – disliked her
They were relentless, unaccepting, fake to her face, disrespectful, and cold to her
She thrust herself into a “parental” role to a child that the man she loved – ADORED MORE THAN ANYTHING
I knew she was jealous of my father’s love for me, the time he spent with me, my general existence, so to speak
I have never been in a position like that, but I know women that have and it’s a common trope for women – it’s what romantic comedies are made for and tale as old as time
I was much more sympathetic to my Stepmother’s position and more forgiving for the physical and emotional abuse she doled out to me, than to my Mother’s dishonesty and my perception of her general disdain for my existence
It’s not fair to either one of these Women
Neither of these women made the poor choices my father did – they just made the blind choice to love him
So when I look back at this entry I CRINGE a LOT
But I promised myself that in my decision to share my journals and story, I would be transparent and share the journals as is
And these June entries are evidence of the NO Good VERY BAD DAY June 23, 2023 was for me
It’s ALMOST comical to know that ALL OF JUNE 2024 WOULD TURN OUT TO BE HORRENDOUSLY WORSE FOR ME – LIKE NIGHTMARE – MIND F#@CK – DISASTROUSLY WORSE
And when I get to those journal entries
I will NOT FEEL one ounce of regret for expressing my INDIGNATION and REPUGNANCE TOWARDS the PEOPLE THAT
TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY WEAKNESS AND DISTRACTION
TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY (continued failed) ATTEMPTS TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY DAD
TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY TRANSPARENCY ABOUT THE MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES I WAS FACING
Those CALOUS AND FERAL INDIVIDUALS CAPITALIZED ON THE OPPORTUNITY
Those SUBHUMANS DECIDED TO WAGE AN ALL OUT ATTACK ON ME, MY REALITY, AND MY LIFE
I HAVE NOT FOUND ANY OUNCE OF FORGIVENESS FOR THOSE INDIVIDUALS THAT INCLUDE MY “EX” SPOUSE AND MY “EX” BFF
I DON’T HAVE TO – NOT YET
THEY ARE STILL ASSAULTING ME DAILY FROM AFAR, COVERTLY, AND MALICIOUSLY
THEY DON’T DESERVE MY FORGIVENESS YET
I’M STILL FIGHTING THESE MONSTERS OFF – JUST TO EXIST IN MY EVERY DAY LIFE
But one day, far from now, I know that I will need to work on that and find a way to forgive them, but that seems like another lifetime from now.
Please read with caution and know that I NEVER INTEND TO OR WILL EVER ARTICULATE ANY of these feelings – I PUT into the pages of my private journals – to my Stepmother
NOT IN THIS MANNER
There has been enough pain inflicted on enough people that is associated with my Father and his legacy and I chose not to perpetuate that a long time ago
These journal entries were a way for me to get the anger out and into a safe space so that I COULD HEAL MYSELF AND FORGIVE
Thank you for reading, it truly means the world to me
A hefty ***TRIGGER WARNING*** applies for those that have gotten this far and choose to read further
The following Blog entries may contain content related to memories childhood abuse mental and physical, thoughts of suicide, suicidal ideation, parental suicide, childhood suicidal ideations and fantasies and childhood suicide attempts.
The contents of the following Blog entries may be triggering for some readers
*****PLEASE READ AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND CARE*****
In my many years of Psychotherapy I have reconciled with these issues and no longer struggle with them daily or with any type of regularity
My journals are free flow, free thought exercises that I utilized to deal with the overwhelming feelings I was dealing with at the time
I utilized the practice of journaling to get these thoughts and feelings out in the open and to fully explore them and work hard to resolve them
*****If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts or feelings of self harm THERE IS HELP AND YOU ARE WORTH IT*****
*****Please dial 988 for immediate resources and PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP*****
XOXO – Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
Hidden Journal Entry – June 23, 2023
“Stepmom” – It is beyond f$&ked that I have to come to you – to try and figure out HOW to get control of MY FATHER’S remains
Un-F&$king-Believable – that you intentionally buried HIM with an empty plot to ensure your cold, pathetic, dead, soul – would control his remains forever – F@&K YOU
Put yourself in my shoes at 5 fucking years old – and figure out what the f#%k I did to you – to deserve this type of EVIL F%$KERY
PLEASE!!!!
Because I’m pretty sure – the ONLY thing I was doing was trying to EXIST and love my Dad – and you hated me for EVERY f$*king minute – B!tch
So now – 40 years later – I’m processing the fact that:
1 – Not only did I not go to my father’s funeral
2 – you BEAT the F@%KING SH!T OUT OF ME
3 – You’re vindictive Ass knew the law and buried my Dad so that none of his family – that ACTUALLY LOVED HIM – get any f%*king closure – PURE EVIL
F&CK YOU “Stepmom”
I hope your life has been as miserable as you have made my Father’s
