I realize this sounds redundant – the anger I write about – how I feel when I look back at these early journal entries – the journal entries I made at the beginning of my Leave of Absence from working
BUT ITS TRUE – THE ANGER IS REAL – I CAN’T ESCAPE IT – ITS STAGGERING
I’m angry at the reality of the situation
I’m angry at what was going on, in plain sight, that I COULD NOT SEE
I was too preoccupied with my trauma and grief to entertain the notion that my spouse was scheming, taking every advantage of these moments
My spouse was busy finding the opportunities in my weakness
My spouse was HIDING in PLAIN SIGHT
My spouse – the person I would eventually refer to as my ANCHOR FACE of DEATH
My spouse – the person I was sharing ALL OF MY TRAUMA and SADNESS with
My spouse – the person I was blissfully TRANSPARENT with
I believed my spouse wanted to help me and support me
I was completely unaware that my spouse would use all of this to DESTROY ME, OUR MARRIAGE, and almost END MY LIFE
2 days after making this journal entry I would visit my dad’s grave
I would invite my spouse to join me
My spouse would join me
I would feel connected to my spouse
I would feel supported by my spouse
I would feel proud of myself,
I would feel proud of the fact that I was able to open up and share this place with my spouse, my Dad’s final resting place – a place I’ve always kept private from everyone else in my life
I would be impressed by my ability to show some vulnerability and let my spouse in
And now – almost 2 years later
It’s excruciating to look back at my IGNORANCE –
They say “ignorance is bliss” –
I have often said the same thing –
Unfortunately – the hindsight is showing me – VERY PAINFULLY
THAT IGNORANCE IS DANGEROUS – IGNORANCE IS PAINFUL – My IGNORANCE BECAME A NEW SOURCE OF TRAUMA
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT – thank you for reading XOXO Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts, and on the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused . My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
January 7, 2023
Languorous – Adj.
1. characterized by tiredness or inactivity especially of a pleasurable kind – IE = summer has a slow languorous feel to it here
2. characterized by oppressive stillness – IE = the atmosphere is languorous and sultry
Dad – the day and date – the anniversary of your passing – this year it lines up – same day of the week 39 years later. Its almost as if I knew some how – I feel like I’ve been pushing myself to the edge lately – the last decade has been one big battle with depression and suicidal thoughts – extreme anxiety as well – these last few years have felt transformative – like they’re leading up to a moment – and how it seems I have one – I can’t honestly remember the last time I visited your grave – I always felt like an imposter – I’d venture to say its been about 20 years – so this Monday, January 9, 2023 – the 39th anniversary of your darkest day, I will visit your grave – I hope it will help me with my healing – I feel close to you every day living so close to your daily path – but I know there is something cathartic about visiting the actual place where your remains lay – even though I’m looking forward to it – I’m still anxious, sad, and emotional, and so many other things I can’t even fathom but this will help me to heal the huge wound that I’ve ripped open – I need this in order to move on and also to deal with Stepmother – I’d like to think of her as completely separate from you since you never really had a good vibe – you never felt like you 2 “worked” it never felt natural – anyhow – she’s also still alive so my healing process with that will be different.
