The previous journal entry and the following journal entry are free flow/free thought exercises I utilized to deal with my tendencies to communicate ineffectively in a heated moment.
Being confrontational, I would often resort to “going low” weaponizing my words against a person to inflict pain onto them as a response to the pain I felt when I was told something that personally affected me and caused my childhood trauma response to kick in.
Instead of lashing out immediately, I learned that writing the response, reading it, and ingesting it, was cathartic and it made me take a step back and do one of 2 things:
1 – edit my response to a more positive, accepting, empathetic, and productive form of communication, or
2 – simply choose not to respond.
Inflicting pain upon another person and perpetuating an “eye for an eye” situation can tend to create a carousel of sorts, where neither ends up “right” or “wrong” and both people become victims of their own pain running in a dizzying circle with no end.
LG is a friend whom I needed to hear – she, like me, was also struggling with her current life situation and she wasn’t necessarily lashing out AT ME but at LIFE in general. We were both going through similar things but I needed to realize this was the moment that I needed to kindly separate myself from “our” situation as to not further escalate our individual struggles into a raging dumpster fire of HURT, ANGER, and PAIN.
My actual responses to her messages were much softer and I expressed my need and acceptance of her position and kindly communicated that a “break” from the relationship was not only helpful, but necessary. She actually reached out to me twice since this particular blow up, after months of disconnect and it was me that chose not to respond.
I didn’t know why I wasn’t ready at the time – but I now see that there were events on the horizon that would happen in my life that would make it impossible for me to fully step out of my anger and pain because I would be hurt by the ones “closest to me” in my current bubble. They literally turned my life in to a raging dumpster fire. It is still burning and I’m still trying to tamper the flames and for the time being, I’ve decided to just let my relationship with LG remain separate. I maintain no ill will or anger towards LG and I have nothing but love for her. Perhaps one day, when I have more stable footing, I will be able to reach out to her and extend the olive branch her way. XOXO – Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
January 26, 2023
LG – it’s my turn to tell you some things that you don’t want to hear that will certainly be triggering for you – But Karma is a Bitch and so am I
It’s pretty convenient for you to decide that you get to tell me about my Depression and how its an inconvenience for you in our friendship because of all the “projection” I seem to be doing. But Again – I encourage you to take all of the criticisms that you’re doling out so freely (again – REALLY FUCKED UP) and maybe see just how they are your own projections.
From the very moment you decided to move back out here – you seem to have chosen me as your main source of support (I did not agree to that nor do I have the emotional capacity or time capacity for that) had you had a conversation with me regarding that expectation I would have been able to communicate that to you. I am your friend, but I am not your savior. You’ve literally only ever reached out when you need something. Examples:
A place to stay
Help moving across country
Help finding and apartment
An ear when, one by one, all your friends DITCHED YOU at the last minute (notice a pattern sweetie?)
To provide encouragement and support when all your plans were falling through
Then, you get here
You get sick on MY BIRTHDAY weekend and not only do you NOT WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY – but you ask if I can drive to you and go get you medicine, etc – like a caretaker
You only ever focus on you and YOUR ISSUES – NARCISSIST
You don’t ask how I am, yet you seem to think you can judge my mental state. FUCK YOU FOR TAKING SUCH A CHEAP SHOT
Get some help – you need it – you’re alone and miserable and you’re blaming me and everyone else for your unhappiness
The only person that can change that is YOU
I hope you get the help you need
I’m done – I don’t let people shit on me when I’ve only lead with kindness and continue to do so – but I won’t be DISRESPECTED or judged by anyone.
You’re not special and you’re not better than anyone
You’re lonely and angry and miserable and I will not be your punching bag or scapegoat
Have a nice life
Pull your head out of your ass
At the end of the day, LG, I know, with all of my heart and soul, that I have been nothing but the best friend to you that I know how to be. I’ve supported you ALWAYS – even if I offer my own experience with anecdotal intentions – I still have had your back. I have been generous with my time and I have gifted things to you in symbolism of our friendship – never once expecting anything back from you and never more than you could give. I know that and you cannot take that away from me or try and make me feel inferior and project onto me – Again, my anecdotal offerings are not projections and I’m sorry if that was not clear to you.
Your expectations of me aren’t acknowledging or respecting me and my life and the fact that I have a husband and other responsibilities outside of our friendship. You’re expecting me to show up in ways that I can barely show up for my husband in – let alone another friend who literally just came back into the fray after a decade – A lot has changed LG and it feels like you’re expecting 30 something Launa to show up – unfortunately 45 year old Launa has more responsibilities and cannot devote the amount of time and attention to the kind of friendship you’re expecting.
But I will not let you control this narrative and call me a BAD FRIEND, that is completely below the belt and beneath you.
You also don’t get to control the method of communication- its manipulative and cruel – and extremely immature – an in person conversation is ALWAYS preferable – even in the digital age – ESPECIALLY IN THE DIGITAL AGE – but at the very MINIMUM – have enough respect for the person you’re so innocently sharing your unsolicited ideas to – to allow them to have it in REAL TIME – IN A REAL LIFE SITUATION
IE: Telephone / Facetime / In person
Texting is cowardly- again, it’s beneath you, in poor taste and disgustingly manipulative to make a sick, shitty, power play – FUCK THAT
You don’t have the power or the authority to do that to me or dictate the mode of communication
I BLOCK MOTHERFUCKERS
BYE BITCH
I SLEEP JUST FINE AT NIGHT
But, I digress; and shame on you for using our friendship and the information I confided in you – as a weapon against me in association with the manipulation of the manner of exchange.
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK GIVES YOU THE RIGHT??!?!!?
CUZ it sure AS SHIT IS NOT THIS BITCH
ME- NOT. FUCKING. HAPPENING...
You are correct – I made things about me – right now – my life is literally about me because if I didn’t choose me – I was going to choose DEATH instead – but when I shared that with you – your reaction was less than I was looking for – it wasn’t as empathetic as I needed it to be but guess what – I recognized I wasn’t going to get that from you – and moved the fuck on
From the time you’ve been back in my life with your West Coast dreams – I’ve had literal nightmares about you and how fucking difficult and exhausting its been to feel like I’m not “enough” of a friend to you – and it’s fucking clear as day now
I am not “ENOUGH” of a friend for you and that knowledge is destroying me mentally – it’s detrimental to my confidence and you want it that way – Again, a manipulative and controlling approach – but in a slightly different way – your type of friendship is toxic to me so thank you kindly for taking a step aside so that I can continue to focus on the friendships I have where I am – ENOUGH – and trust me – YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS THE ONLY ONE I’M CURRENTLY SHEDDING – all others are in tact or, in fact, stronger IN your absence. So freedom from you has only strengthened my existing friendships and blossomed some new ones. Thanks to YOUR TRUTH, I’m Free
