The following 2 journal entries are free flow/free thought exercises I utilized to deal with my tendencies to communicate ineffectively in a heated moment.
Being confrontational, I would often resort to “going low” weaponizing my words against a person to inflict pain onto them as a response to the pain I felt when I was told something that personally affected me and caused my childhood trauma response to kick in.
Instead of lashing out immediately, I learned that writing the response, reading it, and ingesting it, was cathartic and it made me take a step back and do one of 2 things:
1 – edit my response to a more positive, accepting, empathetic, and productive form of communication, or
2 – simply choose not to respond.
Inflicting pain upon another person and perpetuating an “eye for an eye” situation can tend to create a carousel of sorts, where neither ends up “right” or “wrong” and both people become victims of their own pain running in a dizzying circle with no end.
LG is a friend whom I needed to hear – she, like me, was also struggling with her current life situation and she wasn’t necessarily lashing out AT ME but at LIFE in general. We were both going through similar things but I needed to realize this was the moment that I needed to kindly separate myself from “our” situation as to not further escalate our individual struggles into a raging dumpster fire of HURT, ANGER, and PAIN.
My actual responses to her messages were much softer and I expressed my needs and my acceptance of her position and kindly communicated that a “break” from the relationship was not only helpful, but necessary. She has actually reached out to me twice since this particular blow up, after months of disconnect, and it was me that chose not to respond.
I didn’t know why I wasn’t ready at the time – but I now see that there were events on the horizon that would happen in my life that would make it impossible for me to fully step out of my anger and pain because I would be hurt by the ones “closest to me” in my current bubble. They literally turned my life in to a raging dumpster fire. It is still burning and I’m still trying to tamper the flames and for the time being, I’ve decided to just let my relationship with LG remain separate. I maintain no ill will or anger towards LG and I have nothing but love for her. Perhaps one day, when I have more stable footing, I will be able to reach out to her and extend the olive branch her way. XOXO – Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
January 18, 2022
To LG – I’m so happy to hear that and I fully support that journey for you. I’ve never not supported it.
Unfortunately, your text the other day – your 1st response – it felt like an attack – I forgot your birthday and then asked if we were still on for plans – your response was not what I expected and I took it more as an expression of how I’ve somehow failed you as a friend along with countless others (event though you indicated that you weren’t trying to make me feel bad) the tone of the text was not clear so my interpretation put me on the defense. I believe in love, partnerships, and community and I would never try to dissuade anyone from finding it – so my reply had literally nothing to do with you deciding you wanted to find love and partnership and everything to do with me being defensive because I felt like you were calling me out for not texting you on your birthday.
Go find that love girl, I support you.
