This is my last journal entry before I made the trek to the midwest – with my Anchor Face of Death – to retrieve my tubs of trauma from my Mother’s home
I was clearly trying to dump out any lasting feelings of resentment into my journal so that I could be more open
I didn’t want to be closed off to my Mom
I wanted to be as vulnerable as possible
I needed her help
I needed information
I needed anything that could help me in my pursuit to get SOMETHING accomplished with regard to my Father, his erased legacy, and my request for acknowledgment from the Police Department
The visit with my Mom was nice – it went better than I had anticipated
I saw a woman, still heartbroken by a man who deceived her, cheated on her, and divorced her
I heard the pain in her voice as she recalled moments from pictures as I went through them
I felt bad for her and I felt bad that I had been so hard on her for so many years
I wanted to have a more intimate conversation with her but I was still distracted by my goals and having my spouse was there it made it impossible
I made a mental note to write down what I was feeling
After retrieving my tubs of trauma – my spouse and I traveled 45 mins to the neighboring town, a larger “City” where our friends lived
The city we met in, fell in love in
The city we began our life together in
The city we got engaged in
The city my spouse was always hesitant to go back to
My spouse had a less than stellar reputation
My spouse was uncertain about how his presence would be received
Despite being a “city” – the midwest can be VERY SMALL – the entire population of the state we met in is under 1 million people – reputations are inescapable – and my spouse never really had a “good one”
Our friends had gotten us tickets to the music event happening in the city the first night after our arrival – it was great to see my friends again – it had been 6 years – I missed them – I DID NOT MISS LIVING IN THE MIDWEST the harsh climate, the lack of things to do, the lack of cuisine – but I missed the camaraderie, the small town, midwest nice vibe of the community and its residents
My spouse we elated, he was welcomed back with open arms and old grudges seemed to be forgotten – soon he was busy having conversations with people outside of our shared friend group – sharing information about his life in SoCal and his booming business
My spouse had spent almost a decade in the city where we met – I only spent 3 years living there –
My spouse had served in the Air Force in that city
My spouse had amassed a larger network and a larger swath of the community knew who he was and approached him – wondering where he went and how long he’d been gone
At the end of the night all the trepidation my spouse had before our trip was gone – he wasn’t the social pariah he was when we first met in 2011 – all was forgiven and he was welcomed everywhere by everyone
We spent the rest of the week in the “city” sporadically visiting our friends – but spending a lot of time in the hotel room
I was busy going through my tubs of trauma – trying to organize the haphazard mess of documents, pictures, etc that were shoved into them
My spouse slept alot – he wasn’t all that interested in meeting up with anyone – when we did go out, it was just the 2 of us – going to eat and not much else.
I kept encouraging him to contact his people/his friends to get together
I felt like he was staying at the hotel because of me
I didn’t want him to miss out on anything because I was busy trying to organize the mess of my childhood that we had to drive back, halfway across the country, back to the West Coast
My spouse assured me that he was tired and wasn’t feeling very social, he didn’t feel like he was missing out on much – all of the elation was gone and the social butterfly that emerged that first night at the show – was gone
A week later when we went to check out – I was informed by the hotel staff that we were checking out a day early
I was so confused
I had booked the hotel and had talked through the dates with him constantly – we booked the hotel last minute on our drive out there – how did I mess that up??
In the hindsight, I realize, I didn’t mess it up – my spouse had gaslighted me into believing that the dates I booked were the dates he was forcefully telling me they were
I did question him when he began to pack up and prepare to fill the car again
I was sure we had one more day – but he pushed back and told me I was wrong
Self admittedly – I have a problem with “always being right” – I have been called a know it all by friends and tend to dig in my heels when I “know I’m right” – after 8 years of marriage I learned to pick my battles and had began to back down in situations where it didn’t matter if I was “right” or not – I should just let it go
This was one of the situations that I Let GO – BUT, it turns out – I WAS RIGHT – it didn’t make a huge difference – its not like we were missing out on any big plans and we were both anxious to get home to our 3 dogs
I was also anxious to get home to put some more things together so that I could meet my friend who had some connections in the county – she had offered to me – that she might be able to help me, at least get more accomplished than I was able to alone, with regard to my Dad
Looking back now – I can clearly see how much my spouse’s behavior was changing and it would keep changing at an alarming rate until the FIRST BIG ESCALATION IN THIS STORY HAPPENS – OCTOBER 2023
I have decided to pursue my goal of creating a PodCast and the timing seems perfect
Now that I’m at the point in the story where things begin to become an unrecognizable, confusing mess that will turn my life into the shattered catastrophe it is today – it seems like a good time to take the leap
I will be releasing the podcast soon – this week as a matter of fact
I will continue to post my journal entries as blog posts. The podcast will act a a companion piece to fill in some timeline gaps and give a broader history of how I got here.
I hope you will follow me along on the journey both here and on the podcast.
As promised the proverbial SHIT IT ABOUT TO HIT THE FAN AND THINGS ARE GOING TO GET INSANE AND UNIMAGINABLE – AND THE DETAILS OF HOW I ALMOST DIED WILL BE LAID OUT IN FULL DETAIL THROUGH THE TIMELINE IN MY JOURNALS that I will continue to release in my BLOG POSTS AND expanded upon in the podcast
I hope it will be clear to all why I keep saying
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT. Thank you so much for reading and I hope you will listen along as well. XOXO – Launa
A hefty ***TRIGGER WARNING*** applies for those that have gotten this far and choose to read further
The following Blog entries may contain content related to memories childhood abuse mental and physical, thoughts of suicide, suicidal ideation, parental suicide, childhood suicidal ideations and fantasies and childhood suicide attempts.
The contents of the following Blog entries may be triggering for some readers
*****PLEASE READ AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND CARE*****
In my many years of Psychotherapy I have reconciled with these issues and no longer struggle with them daily or with any type of regularity
My journals are free flow, free thought exercises that I utilized to deal with the overwhelming feelings I was dealing with at the time
I utilized the practice of journaling to get these thoughts and feelings out in the open and to fully explore them and work hard to resolve them
*****If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts or feelings of self harm THERE IS HELP AND YOU ARE WORTH IT*****
*****Please dial 988 for immediate resources and PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP*****
XOXO – Launa
July 6, 2023
My childhood was f&%ked
– Parents Divorced at 3 – after my dad had an affair with a *- – – – – – *
– During the time of my Dad’s affair – I was beginning to be used as a pawn – “Stepmom”, my Dad’s “mistress” would use me to get to my mother – even serving my Mother divorce papers while holding me – HER CHILD (my Mom’s) – and asking me to call her “mommy stepmom”
– Once “stepmom” and my father married things go worse for me. “Stepmom” hated how much he loved me and how much I resembled him – she hated that he wanted to spend time with me – All the time and we would swim and go to the beach – things he loved to do and that he did with me
– I was terrified of being alone with “stepmom” for fear of what she would do to me. She ignored me, snapped at me and physically hurt me. Once she got pregnant, I knew I was doomed
Mom – you didn’t have any interest in having or building a super close relationship with me as a child – that’s on you – I’m an adult now – you get the adult me – and if you don’t like who I then look at yourself
