The following 3 journal entries have been combined
They illustrate the ongoing struggles I continued to face as I attempted to reconcile the erased memories of my father within the local Police Department – my attempts to take ownership of his gravesite – and the increasing lack of support my spouse began to display towards me and my “agenda”
The first entry is a free-flow/free thought exercise – an attempt to prepare to have a conversation with my spouse to explain myself and why I was so focused on my Dad and why I was working so hard with my “daddy issues” – why I was so laser focused on the requests I was making and why I was having a difficult time pivoting my attention elsewhere
I was getting beat down on every emotional level and shot down with every request I made
My spouse was becoming less supportive by the day – his energy and demeanor toward me had shifted DRAMATICALLY – it felt like he was disappointed in me, that I was taking too much attention away from him to focus on me and my Dad and my needs and attempts to get some type of closure or reconciliation
My spouse looked at me differently, with a certain type of disdain, he was annoyed anytime I would attempt to share my feelings about being let down by “the system” that prevented me from achieving any of the goals I had set for myself and my Dad’s legacy
My spouse stopped hearing what I was saying – he would walk away from me while I was mid-sentence or he would merely, give me a disinterested look and gaze down at his phone
My spouse began to display an obvious annoyance towards me – hoping I would shut up and move on
The increasing tension I felt that I was causing in our marriage exacerbated my – already heightened – anxiety to a level I had never experienced
I was hoping I could sit down and have a conversation with him to shed some light on why this was so important to me
I had yet to realize I was wasting my time – my spouse was NEVER SUPPORTIVE OR “ON BOARD” – he was already out the door and already trying to make me “GO AWAY”
The second entry is an association exercise
I wrote down the lyrics of a song(s) that resonated with me, helped me to feel supported, made me feel seen, made it seem like I was less alone in my vain quest to heal my childhood trauma and recon with my familial curses
Music has always been a cornerstone of my life – a way to express and manage my emotions
My Dad was musical, my Grandparent’s, on my Mother’s side, were musical and my Grandmother, on my Dad’s side, always had a piano in her home that I would sit at and play around on
I was raised on music – all types of music
Music was the only “person” in my life that I felt I could relate to
I was obsessed with lyrics and reading them – back in the day when albums/cassette tapes/ and CD’s were the only way you could “own” or have access to a large catalog – I would obsess over the lyrics printed inside the covers – finding meaning in the words and feeling better that someone out there seemed to feel the way I felt – or at least they articulated a situation I could connect with and feel connected to
To say my taste in music is “eclectic” would be precisely accurate, almost an understatement – there are lyrics in a Mother Love Bone song, “Man of Golden Words” – that vividly state, what music is to me – they are: clink LINK to view on web
Words and music, my only tools
Communication
Words and music, my only tools
Communication
Let’s fall in love with music
The driving force of our livings
The only international language
Divine glory, the expression
The knees bow, the tongue confesses
The lord of lord, the king of kings
The king of kings, oh yea
I love all types of music – none is off limits – but if I like something – then I embrace it completely and that is true for every song/album I like – and there are TONS
I know the lyrics or have read them enough times to gather an impression and associate them with a certain meaning and connection to my life
In 2022 – not long before I had my “mental breakdown” and took my break from working – BEFORE I would begin to be mercilessly beaten down by the system and my spouse – the Kendrick Lamar album, “Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers” was released – click LINK to view on web
I literally felt like this album was written for me
This album ARTICULATED EVERYTHING I FELT AND EVERYTHING I WAS STRUGGLING WITH EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO FEEL
This album made me feel THAT SOMEONE OUT THERE HAD BEEN THROUGH WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH AND GOT TO THE OTHER SIDE
I listened to the album EVERY DAY – It was like a 1 hour 13 minute therapy session
I could connect with his words and feel the catharsis of the beats and rhythms – I was able to feel the myriad of emotions and express them along with this album – listening from track 1 to track 18 – never skipping a song – ebbing and flowing emotionally in sync with an artist and his gift to the world and his gift to me
I would often listen to it more than once in a day – it was the only way I could express to someone – and to no-one – how I was feeling – but feel seen – at least in my mind – by someone else who understood the pain and anguish I was going through as I explored the traumatic events and feelings of my childhood
The third entry is a free-flow/free thought exercise I utilized to prepare and muster up the courage to reach out to my mother after years of estrangement
My last communication to her was bitter, cutting, and spiteful
I felt bad about it but I wasn’t in a place to fully accept my responsibility and apologize to her – yet I still needed her help and knew I would have to reach out and maintain my personal boundaries while accepting that she may have a set of her own
Knowing that I had hurt her and she might be less than open to accepting any communication or requests from me
This was my first outline
When I finally spoke to her with my request it went nothing like this
I also suspect that my spouse was already communicating with my Mother and further poisoning the already polluted well – admittedly BY ME initially – but he was not trying to do me or HER any favors in helping our relationship get to a more civil place
A hefty ***TRIGGER WARNING*** applies for those that have gotten this far and choose to read further
The following Blog entries may contain content related to memories childhood abuse mental and physical, thoughts of suicide, suicidal ideation, parental suicide, childhood suicidal ideations and fantasies and childhood suicide attempts.
The contents of the following Blog entries may be triggering for some readers
*****PLEASE READ AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND CARE*****
In my many years of Psychotherapy I have reconciled with these issues and no longer struggle with them daily or with any type of regularity
My journals are free flow, free thought exercises that I utilized to deal with the overwhelming feelings I was dealing with at the time
I utilized the practice of journaling to get these thoughts and feelings out in the open and to fully explore them and work hard to resolve them
*****If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts or feelings of self harm THERE IS HELP AND YOU ARE WORTH IT*****
*****Please dial 988 for immediate resources and PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP*****
XOXO – Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
June 12, 2023
It is so fucking unfair that I have to do any of this
I suppose most people would acknowledge the fact that nobody is forcing me
But if I want closure and full ownership over my life – especially my early life – ages 0-7 being the most traumatic
It’s unfair that my family got ripped apart
It’s unfair that my dad had to leave and I had to call a 2nd woman “mommy” in addition to my actual Mom
It’s unfair I lost my best friend – my Dad
It’s unfair I had to see the pain in his eyes – when he knew our family was forever broken
It’s unfair that he broke my Mom – so she couldn’t properly care for me or parent me like I needed
It’s unfair that he chose a woman who would physically abuse and hate me
It’s unfair that nobody listened to me – when I was bruised by my beating – I did not feel safe around “stepmom” – I was terrified to be around her – but nobody cared to listen
It’s unfair that I’ve lived my life in the shadows but now I have to come forward into the forefront of the world – for all to judge – just to have my story be real – to un-erase my father from history – to ask ANYBODY to listen to me
It’s so fucking unfair – no wonder death has always seemed better
People can make assumptions regarding my AGENDA
But they know NOTHING about me or my story – so until they do – they should kindly take a step back because I guarantee – this story is NOT for the FAINT OF HEART and NEITHER am I and I’m FUCKING PROUD OF THAT – stop being a Bitch Boy
June 13, 2024
****these are not my words, they are lyrics of a Kendrick Lamar Song, “Crown”**** I wrote down in my journal because of the connection I felt to them – clink LINK to view on web
I can’t please everybody
Love can get you killed
Heavy is the head that chose to wear the crown
To whom is given much is required now
I’ve been protecting my soul in the valley of silence
I’ll sacrifice my soul to start the healing
My power and my connection
You can call me bitter
June 15, 2023
It’s beyond fucked that I have to describe parts of “my story” as “to the best of my knowledge” because the records of certain pivotal/impactful/life changing/consequential/traumatic/haunting events – have LITERALLY BEEN “DESTROYED”
I want to know:
A – if anyone has experienced this exact same scenario
B – Wouldn’t you want answers??
C – Why do I have to be “perfect” to deserve answers?
Mother –
I’ve been going through something – 1,265 days – I’ve been going through something
Be Afraid
– I need your help
– I need the items you have set aside for me – especially those pertaining to my Dad
– I also need all the pics that I left in the extra bedroom
AFD and I will be on a road trip and passing through – I’d like to come by and retrieve my items
I hope this will be possible to schedule
It will be July 12th or 13th – if you have plans – I have a key – if you’re comfortable with me being there while you’re not – I’m fine with that
It’s imperative that I get these items
Also – if there’s anything regarding my Dad – his death – the destruction of his file and any record of his within the Police Department, “stepmom’s” physical assault against me (at age 5???) – details would be great. Your attempts to report, etc.
I’m trying to get the department or the city to at least acknowledge him and his service
Lastly, CA laws prevent me from having any control to make changes to his tablet/headstone or even excavate and cremate – YES I ASKED – without “stepmom’s” acknowledgment and consent and that power gets passed down her family line – I just want the remains – it might be a long shot – but if you know something or someone that might – I need all the help I can get
Beyond this – I’m not interested in sharing much more about my current situation/life or going any further than surface level with knowledge of your life these days
Once I have the last pieces of my trauma events puzzle – I’ll be able to learn and write my narrative – regardless of those who may have tried to erase/hide/re-write/and ignore it – I get to decide my shit – so that’s what I’m doing
Once I know how to go forward and how I can attempt to get the closure I deserve and need. I’ll reach out if I need more help
