Between the months of September 2023 and January 2024 I didn’t write in any of my journals
I was overwhelmed after my trip to the midwest in July 2023 when I picked up the 2 yellow trauma tubs
That’s what I saw them as
The tubs and everything contained in the tubs were the representation of all of the childhood trauma I had been lugging around over the years – inside of me
The tubs and everything contained in the tubs were the representation of the trauma I’d shoved down – so deeply – that I never wanted to acknowledge
Once that childhood trauma made its way to the surface and I began to explore it in therapy
I realized it was something that I was going to have to work on
I realized I couldn’t ignore it anymore
I realized I wouldn’t be able to grow as a person if I continued to allow it to fester deep inside of me
I also felt stuck in my marriage
Once I had my trauma tubs in the home, I was overwhelmed with the tremendous amount of “stuff” that my Mom had kept over the years
I was sifting through all of it daily
I began feeling triggered
I began to acknowledge and explore the memories that began to surface
My EX – Anchor Face of Death – appeared supportive and helpful
I also felt a distance between us that I had never felt before
I began to wonder how I got to where I was – this was definitely not my beautiful life
I felt like I was living with a stranger and I began to wonder if I ever really knew him at all
I felt like I had been going through the same motions for over a decade and now that I had grown and worked so much in therapy on healing myself
My 9 year marriage and 12 year relationship didn’t feel like it fit anymore
I told myself it was me
I told myself I was the problem
I told myself I needed to work harder to be a better partner and a better wife
I lied to myself – I told myself that my spouse was supportive
I lied to myself – I told myself that my spouse is the one who made all of the sacrifices over the years
I lied to myself – I told myself that my spouse was the one being neglected
In reality – I took the words that Anchor Face of Death had launched at me over and over – year after year
I took all of those negative words from my Narcissistic Abusive EX and made them my truth
After the Wifigate Scandal, Cryptober, the move from the old apartment and into the new apartment – I was reeling
Not only did I have my childhood trauma in the foreground – but now I felt like a failure
Now I had failed at being a good, supportive wife
Now I was responsible for the complete implosion of the life we built over our 7 years in my hometown
I blamed myself for focusing too much on my Dad
I blames myself for my failed attempts at getting acknowledgment for my Dad and his service with the Local Police Department
I blamed myself for not focusing on my spouse – Anchor Face of Death – I blamed myself for not supporting him
All of the things I was blaming myself for in January 2024
All of those are the things that my Narcissistic, Abusive, Ex – Anchor Face of Death – had expertly drilled into my head during our 9 year marriage – it was such a slow drip – I never realized it was happening
That’s the beauty of hindsight – now that I’ve been 1 year free – NO CONTACT with or from my abuser – Anchor Face of Death
Now – 1 year later – I can see that none of the things I was telling myself about me in January 2024
None of these things are true
All of these things are the exact things my Narcissistic, Abusive Ex – Anchor Face of Death – needed me to believe about myself –
My Narcissistic, Abusive Ex – Anchor Face of Death needed me to believe all of those things about myself so that I would allow him to continue to physically poison, make me sick – so that he could try to kill me one last time on February 13, 2024
It makes me sad to see how my first journal entries of January 2024 are filled with my belief and feeling that I needed to ease up on myself and my belief that I wasn’t perfect
It makes me sad to see how much pressure I was putting on myself to stop fearing that I wasn’t enough
It makes me sad to see how much focus I needed to put on ignoring the negativity – that was Anchor Face of Death’s negativity – it wasn’t my negativity – I just couldn’t see it then
It makes me sad to see how much focus I felt I needed to put towards being positive and to be loving and forgiving towards myself – the other things that Anchor Face of Death was projecting onto me
It makes me sad to see how much focus I felt I needed to put into being a better wife and connecting with my spouse – more of the things that Anchor Face of Death was projecting onto me
It makes me sad to see how much I believed my Ex – Anchor Face of Death’s – projections – because they are not my beliefs or my perspective and they certainly are not me – he was playing victim – I was the villain and I fell right into his trap
It makes me sad to see how much I was grappling between 2 dichotomies
I was struggling with my intense feelings of resentment I had for Anchor Face of Death – for all of his failures over the 12 years to show up for me and support me and to love me – his empty actions over the years were finally evident
I am devastated to see how much my dogs were my support system and how grateful I was for them – they helped me stay with my Narcissistic, Abusive Ex – Anchor Face of Death – and he ripped them away from me a year ago and I haven’t seen them since
The following Journal entries are my first 5 entries of 2024
I took a template from the Huberman Lab podcast and used it for my journal entries
It was a suggestion to begin each day with to find positivity and be mindful of traps
I was very intent on making forward progress in 2024 –
Sadly – I had no idea about the insidious, dangerous, cunning actions my Ex – Anchor Face of Death – was engaged in – behind the scenes
Sadly I was still completely fooled – I believed the cause of my turmoil was the old neighbor – SGT
Sadly I had no idea that Anchor Face of Death had been conspiring with the neighbor – SGT – for years
Sadly I had no idea that Anchor Face of Death had been lacing my food and drinks with poison that was making me sick – for years
Sadly, I had no idea Anchor Face of Death made me believe that it was the neighbor – SGT – who was the enemy – when in reality – I was married to my enemy – for years
Sadly – I had no idea my time was almost up – if Anchor Face of Death had it his way – come February 2024 – I’d be dead – but he failed – on final time on February 13, 2024
Be Careful Who You Trust With Your Life, It Might Cost You Exactly That – Thank you for Reading XOXO Launa
The story as told in the Podcast, Website and Social Media is based on my understanding and perspective, it should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
January 2, 2024
New Year – same me?
Not really, a lot has changed like literally everything has changed
No job, New apartment, New life – Same Pain
Same childhood – same Daddy Trauma
Always magnified at the beginning of a new year – because its the countdown to your last day
January 3, 2024
Gratitude
1 – waking up
2 – final rescue dog
3 – health
4 – Rain
5 – Sunshine
Plans today
Poor Little Rich Girl/Podcast? – household laundry (dog stuff/towels/AFD)
Fear/Resentment
I’m afraid I’m not doing enough
I’m fearful of failing
I’m resentful about my Dad
I resent having to deal with the emotional trauma of it all, still 40 years later
Strive For
More positivity from myself and towards myself
More connection with my husband
January 4, 2024
Gratitude
1- Grateful for Gram & Gramp
2 – to AFD for support
3 – dogs for love
4 – Location (sunshine)
5 – money in the bank
Plans today
Laundry
Cleaning
Fear/Resentment
Resent my parents for not trying harder to stay married
My Mom for not giving my Dad another chance
Dad for cheating and exposing me to it
Watch out for
Negative Self Talk
Strive for
Peace in my daily life
Dad – This week is your 40 year anniversary of choosing to leave this life – while I understand how you may have come to the decision — its still super fucked that I’m still processing the emotional trauma and mental damage it causes me and those around me (Mom) it makes me super sad and angry sometimes
January 7, 2024
Gratitude
1 – Dog #3
2 – Dog #2
3 – Dog #1
4 – Hummingbirds
5 – Anchor Face of Death
Plans today
Enjoy the Day with spouse/AFD and work on communication
Fear/Resentment
Fear for humanities future
Watch out For
Getting stuck in negative thoughts about myself carousel – I’m a good person and should remember and focus on that
Strive for
Balance in my life
I took 2 days off from list making – feeling decent – new year vibes are pretty good so far
January 8, 2024
Gratitude
1- final rescue dog’s energy
2 – Gramp for his humor
3 – Gram D for her beauty
4 – Gram L for her strength
5 – Dad for my life
Plans today
Stay positive and focused on building a better relationship with AFD
Resentment
I resent SGT for his terrible energy that he brought when he moved below us – I hate him for everything he tried to steal from us – I resent him for being alive
Watch out For
Negativity ruts and false friends
Strive for
A positive outlook and less hate
1-9-84
The day you decided not to do it anymore – the life you had – the one you built and felt like you burned down
Your only way out
Gratitude
1- life
2 – dogs
3 – new beginnings
4 – nature
5 – friends
Plans today
Clean up spots on carpet – get cigs
Fear/Resentment
I’m always fearful that I’m not enough
I’m constantly feeling resentment towards stepmom and all the pain she inflicted on my family
Watch out for
negativity – it pulls me in like a tractor beam
Strive for
Love & Acceptance
January 12, 2024
Grateful for
1- AFD – loving and supportive
2 – PLRG – honest friend
3 – my dogs and the unconditional love they give saves me everyday
4 – being born in CA
5 – Gramp for taking such a strong role in my life
Plans Today
Some biz and paperwork
Home duties
Enjoy the outside patio
Resentment
XXPD for continuing to ignore me and my father
Watch out for
Negative self talk
Strive for
Balance in life and with my day to day activities
