During the first few weeks of my leave I struggled with the notion that I had my “breakdown” because of my trauma –
I had my “breakdown” because horrible things happened to me during my childhood –
I had my “breakdown” because I shoved the events of my childhood and the feelings from those events deep down inside of me and
I had my “breakdown” because I just kept living my life like nothing ever happened to me
I never identified as a victim –
I always presented myself as being “okay” with my life – all of it – the good and the bad – the bad things didn’t define me – they just happened like bad things happen to a lot of people
I wasn’t damaged by those things –
I was good despite those things –
But then, out of nowhere, I WAS NOT OK WITH ANYTHING – and it was probably because of THOSE THINGS – THOSE VERY BIG THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN CHILDHOOD – I COULDN’T ESCAPE THOSE THINGS AND THE EFFECTS THOSE THINGS HAD ON ME – NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED TO IGNORE THEM, ACCEPT THEM AND BE OK WITH THEM – I NEEDED TO IDENTIFY THOSE THINGS AND ACCEPT THAT THEY DID AFFECT ME AND CONTINUE TO AFFECT ME IN MY LIFE – NO matter how OK and good with THOSE things I want to pretend to be.
This was one of the epiphanies I had in a therapy session once I began my leave of absence.
I have always been very guarded, I don’t open up often and if I do its strategic but not for pity, it’s so that I seem more human.
I don’t want to appear weak and I certainly don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.
I learned, at a very young age, that I got a lot of pity from people when they found out I lost my dad at age 6.
It’s an uncomfortable feeling for me –
I hated hearing the obligatory offer of condolence – it made me feel bad that my loss made that person feel bad.
I always struggled with being vulnerable as a result – so I always worked hard to appear strong and fine, good with my set of circumstances in life, the trauma didn’t define me and it certainly didn’t weaken my spirit, if anything IT MADE ME STRONGER
As I began to explore these ideas more in therapy, my therapist challenged me to “own the trauma and own my truth” – it wasn’t what I CHOSE for MYSELF – but it certainly was WHAT HAPPENED TO ME and WHAT HAPPENED IN MY YOUNG LIFE.
Even though I knew what it was, I had to say it, acknowledge it, and own it.
I needed to stop having a robotic, indifference to my truth and begin to embrace it – as ugly as it is – it’s mine to embrace.
But I needed to choose that, I needed to say it, I needed to accept it, and only then, could I decide if I was FINE AND OK WITH IT
I began to use free flow/free thought journal entries to say all of the things I never got to say – the things that I WOULD NEVER SAY – to my Mom, my Stepmom, and anyone else I felt hurt by as a young child – this is one of those entries
A hefty ***TRIGGER WARNING*** applies for those that have gotten this far and choose to read further
The following Blog entries may contain content related to memories childhood abuse mental and physical, thoughts of suicide, suicidal ideation, parental suicide, childhood suicidal ideations and fantasies and childhood suicide attempts.
The contents of the following Blog entries may be triggering for some readers
*****PLEASE READ AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND CARE*****
In my many years of Psychotherapy I have reconciled with these issues and no longer struggle with them daily or with any type of regularity
My journals are free flow, free thought exercises that I utilized to deal with the overwhelming feelings I was dealing with at the time
I utilized the practice of journaling to get these thoughts and feelings out in the open and to fully explore them and work hard to resolve them
*****If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts or feelings of self harm THERE IS HELP AND YOU ARE WORTH IT*****
*****Please dial 988 for immediate resources and PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP*****
XOXO – Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts, and on the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused . My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
December 3, 2022
I was beaten by my stepmother at 4 or 5 years old
40 years later it still feels like its my fault
ITS NOT
My mother lied to me about how my father died – FOR 20 YEARS
It makes it hard to trust anyone
It makes me want to be alone
It makes me Isolate
Its cold and lonely and painful
I feel robbed
of a childhood
of a fair chance
truth
Parents
Its so f*^ked – I’m so broken because of it and I blame you Mom
There is so much I have to heal from. Things that were done to me by the people I was supposed to trust. People that were expected to protect me, to care for me, to comfort me. Because of those peoples failures – I have extra work to do – I’m broken by no fault of my own. Why am I the only one that has to clean up your mess??? Why is it my responsibility to live with your mistakes and those consequences?
I didn’t ask for this life or choose it – So
It’s made me angry as an adult
I have trust issues
I wanted to die as a child
I tried to kill myself at 7 or 8 years old
I attempted suicide at 7 or 8 years old
I was a child and death seemed better than life
