The following journal entry was made after a very intense therapy session and “my truth” that surfaced as a result. My father passed away by his own hands just a month and a half after my 6th birthday. It took me almost 40 years to realize the gravity of that moment and its lasting effects on me and my mental health. I was not told the truth at 6 years old, it wasn’t until much later in my life that it was revealed to me, however, the damage was the same. I always wanted him back and if I couldn’t have him back then I wanted to be the one who wasn’t here. But that was never my story or the foot I put forward when I had to communicate to people that I lost my father at 6 years old. I hated the immediate reaction of sympathy and always passed it off as “normal” or “not a big deal” IT. WAS. FINE. I. WAS. FINE. Until it wasn’t and I wasn’t and then began this journey of “self healing” that has been complicated by a man I trusted with my life, the irony is not lost on me. I’ve made tremendous strides and I am happy most of the time, the ideation is not a daily occurrence and there is no planning – now I’m forced to deal with the anger another man forced onto me when he chose to harm me at my most vulnerable time. More will be revealed as the journal entries progress and to say that I don’t struggle from time to time would be a lie. But I can confidently say, the work I was doing at the time of this journal entry fully prepared me to WANT TO LIVE EVERY DAY despite being put through the WORST THING IN MY LIFE since my dad’s passing. Thank you for reading – XOXO Launa
PPS – I was diagnosed with ADD late in life – 3 years prior to this entry – and it made a HUGE positive impact to know that there was “something wrong” with me and once I was appropriately medicated for it, I was fully able to dive into the trauma deep inside. My estranged spouse would also weaponize this diagnosis against me along with one of my oldest and closest friends, an actual LMFT of all things. They teamed up against me and weaponized my diagnosis and medications against me and to this day, are still peddling nonsense to their circle. Thank fully I am no longer part of that circle, I have my own and I’m much better because of it – but once again, this goes to show – YOU NEVER TRULY KNOW ANYONE – FRIENDS, SPOUSES, FAMILY, THEY CAN ALL WEAR MASKS AND TURN ON YOU AS SOON AS YOU WORK TO BECOME A BETTER VERSION OF YOURSELF – BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE AND TRUTH
***Trigger Warning**** This is a post about personal trauma as it pertains to parental death and parental suicide, along with personal thoughts of suicide and extreme depression. I have spent many years in therapy dealing with all of these feelings and working with them so that I can manage them when they come up. Thankfully, over the years the appearance of these thoughts is very few and far between. Please proceed with caution and care, and as always, thank you for reading. If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts of self harm or suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255 Or Simply Dial 988- please seek immediate help – YOU ARE WORTH IT . XOXO – Launa
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
February 1, 2023
To be 100% honest with myself and everyone else:
I have dealt with and managed suicidal ideation for my entire life. The one and only time I actively made an attempt – was at the age of 7 or 8 – obviously unsuccessful – and the thought / idea is something that is always there 365 a year
At times its a super slow drip/leak being triggered occasionally – and then is comes off the rails pouring out consuming me – But every single day – I think at one point – how the world would be better and so would I – If I just stopped existing- other times I think up elaborate plans – those are the times I need to act
The ADD is part of the struggle – but its the most important thing to manage – like, pest control for plants – If I don’t control the pest, ADD, then I’m infested and my depression runs rampant and the plant, ME, is in danger of dying.
