The following journal entries are the final 3 “normal” entries before the shit begins to hit the fan
I have released 2 introduction episodes of the “Midlife Misery” podcast – where I jump WAY ahead in my story – to the post shit hitting fan month of February 2024
Please listen if you’d like to get an idea of what’s to come. –
Click this link to be redirected to Introduction episode 1
Click this link to be redirected to Introduction episode 2
Anyway – these are the last entries I make in my journal – post midwest roadtrip after returning with my tubs of trauma in tow – before I begin to have timeline style entries that will be CYBER/WIFI/HACKING mind fuck related
WE – my AFD and I – had been experiencing years of tension with a downstairs neighbor in our apartment but the harassment from the neighbor was PREDOMINANTLY directed at ME
AFD would act frustrated and supportive but that was about to come to an abrupt end in just 2 months from this entry – LIKE ALMOST EXACTLY 2 MONTHS AFTER THIS ENTRY to the day
I shake my head because I was so completely UNAWARE of the scheme and plan that my AFD and THE NEIGHBOR – SGT (I’ve given this neighbor the moniker SGT but I can’t fully explain why and what it stands for because it would give away TOO MUCH IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION about this person) THEY were OBVIOUSLY PARTNERING TOGETHER AND HAD BEEN FOR YEARS…….at least I can see that NOW.
IN. FUCKING. HINDSIGHT. – it’s always conking me on the head. I will go into more detail about this neighbor and his stalking/harassment of me and how seemingly “protective” my husband was in the Podcast and in the coming journal entries – stay tuned.
I digress – specifically back to the 1st of the 3 journal entries
I was a VERY EXPERIMENTAL teenager – I was always EXTREMELY curious about ALL MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES – I was open to try ANYTHING and actively sought those things out
As most adults are well aware – being a teen kind of SUCKS ASS – and in the early 90’s – pre tech world overlord and overload – we couldn’t just numb our minds by sticking our heads into a device and – letting the radiation seeping into our brains from it – do the work for us – we had to ACTIVELY SEEK OUT SUBSTANCES TO NUMB OUR MINDS AND CONSCIOUSNESS
So I began experimenting with many of these substances at the ripe old age of 14 – but that was mostly just marijuana and alcohol – at about 16 years old I WENT BIG – and had my first Acid Trip – it was allllll types of weird and scary and I did not plan well for the event at all – like, I DIDN’T PLAN IT AT ALL AND THAT IS THE WORST PLAN to have when you’re dealing with LSD/ACID
It was a spur of the moment decision – a boyfriend had dropped me off at my under the table telemarketing job – shifts were only 2 hours and it was me and a bunch of my friends so it never really felt like work
Anyway – my boyfriend was going to pick me up at end of my 2 hour shift and we were going to the movies – we planned on seeing Pulp Fiction – as he pulled up into the parking lot he told me he had some acid and he had planned to “drop” it so it would kick in – just in time for the movie – he asked me if I’d like to partake – I didn’t hesitate – I said “Sure! How long does it take to kick in? Should I take it now or wait?” – he told me the 1st time can take a while so I should take it “now” – so I did. And then went in and tele marketed and talked some shit with my friends
I only told one of my friends that I had taken the acid so she could let me know if I started to “act weird or noticeable”. Nothing remarkable happened during my shift as far as my behavior but I did notice slight physical changes and feeling better than “normal”. BUT by the time my boyfriend came and picked me up this shit had gotten a little INTENSE to say the least
As soon as I got into his vehicle we started laughing and it was clear to me the “trip” had begun – once we got to the movie theater – the movie was sold out – I felt VERY abnormal, almost uncomfortable, as we stood around in a crowd of people that we went to high school with – trying to decide if we were going to settle on a different movie or just go to someones house
A friend of my my boyfriend – who was also on acid – mentioned that John Carpenter’s – “In the Mouth of Madness” – is what they were going to see instead and it should be “really fucking cool” – so we decided on that – and I must say – despite it being a horror movie – watching it on acid, in a theatre was SUUUUUUUPER FUCKING COOL – there’s a scene with a padded room – and there were about 20 of us in the theater (teenage kids on acid) and we all had the same excited reaction to what we experienced and saw on the screen – much to the chagrin of the non-acid induced portion of audience – and we all erupted into cheers and laughter
After the movie we went to the guy’s (the one who suggested the movie) house and hung out and enjoyed the trip – BUT I HAD A VERY STRICT CURFEW AND I DIDN’T KNOW JUST HOW LONG AN ACID TRIP WAS SUPPOSED TO LAST OR THAT A CHANGE OF SCENERY WOULD WILDLY AFFECT MY EXPERIENCE – so I had my boyfriend take me home ON TIME – to be fair – he urged me not to – to just take the punishment for coming home late, as did all the others people at the house we were at – but I didn’t want to sacrifice 2 weeks of my social calendar (the normal amount of time my mom would “ground” me when I broke curfew) just for an acid trip
AND THAT WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST RISKY DECISIONS OF MY LIFE – once I got home it became HORRIFYINGLY OBVIOUS THAT I SHOULD HAVE STAYED WITH THE PEOPLE ON THE SAME MIND ALTERED TRIP AS ME
I somehow managed to get past my mom and into my room where I WHITE KNUCKLED MY SANITY for the rest of the night
In the morning- THE COLORS WERE MORE VIBRANT – THE AIR SMELLED CLEANER – THE SOUNDS WERE FINER – and I was actually GRATEFUL FOR LIFE – all forms, not just my own
My perspective had shifted and I was suddenly aware of how small this life is and how much bigger the universe is……..and that is probably the best I can articulate that feeling – If you know, you know – and if you don’t, well – DON’T DO WHAT I DID AND TRY LSD/ACID ALONE or make sure you will be with people in the same headspace or know about the headspace – DURING THE ENTIRE 8-12 HOUR TRIP
After that experience I WAS HOOKED – but not like addict hooked because that’s not how hallucinogenic substances work – but I was hooked in the sense that my fear was gone and I wanted to travel to that other worldly place in my mind’s eye AGAIN & AGAIN & AGAIN & AGAIN & AGAIN – and over my lifetime I have done that exact thing WAY TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT
I expanded my experimentation with other similar substances including Psychedelic Mushrooms/Psilocybin and MDMA/Ecstasy – those 2 and LCD/ACID are the hallucinogenic substances that I’ve had the most experience with – like I said – WAY TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT
At a certain point by the end of my 20’s – I just stopped – it’s kind of like the more adult experiences, problems, and knowledge I had accumulated in my brain – it made the trips way less fun and way more risky – so when micro-dosing came into the conversation I was intrigued and very open to it
IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT ONE COULD CONTROL THE AMOUNT OF THESE particular PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCES they took AND NOT JUST GO FULL BALLS TO THE WALL AND TRIP THE FUCK OUT EVERY TIME
So I began to micro dose Psilocybin in 2023 – shortly after I began my LOA from work – and it was everything I hoped it would be
I was already comfortable with the physical and emotional feelings and the auditory and visual hallucinations of the plant, when taken in large quantities. It was very easy for me to find the “right micro dose” amount for myself
Once I got comfortable with that I began to play with larger doses to see how close I could get to a full blown trip without fully jumping into the psychedelic swimming pool – knowing the experience was much shorter than the LCD experience – an average 4 hours compared to 8-12 hours – I did this frequently and would analyze my experiences and how it helped me to process my emotions. I would verbalize my experiences, observations, and what I learned to my therapist/spouse/and former BFF – But the journal entry is one instance where I actually logged the experience and wrote it in my journal – I guess it was profound enough to me that I felt like I needed to
Anyway – THE ONLY ONE OF THOSE 3 INDIVIDUALS – my AFD/ExBFF/Therapist – WHO DID NOT END UP WEAPONIZING THAT AGAINST ME IS MY THERAPIST
I JUST WANTED TO NOTE THAT to remind everyone
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, IT MIGHT COST YOU EXACTLY THAT – thank you for reading – XOXO Launa
Thank you for reading and please use caution if you intend to experiment with psychedelic substances, do research and NEVER ATTEMPT TO TRY IT FOR YOUR FIRST TIME ALONE. XOXO – Launa
August 12, 2023
My AM mushroom therapy was WAY stronger than my norm – too much body high to maintain a task or workout or even rest. Visually distracting – lots of color changes and patterns moving. Audio is distorted with a Podcast in the back – but CRYSTAL CLEAR in the absence of any background sounds
I would classify this as a Mild trip to a novice/beginner
I reminded myself to embrace “the dog” – I got emotional – reminded myself to let go of it – the sadness, the overwhelming amount of sadness and pain that I have associated with my Mother and Father that I continue to carry – I let some go and “the dog” licked my tears – he reminds me that even though we carry our pain – we can help others to express and release theirs and when we do – it helps US AND them – we all helps one another and he gets helped in return
August 13, 2023
What have we done? To ourselves? To our human existence? To our experience?
It’s literally been reduced to consumption. Living is consuming – and not much else.
What a Fucking Nightmare – the white nightmare the AMERICAN NIGHTMARE – the HUMAN NIGHTMARE
LIKE A DISEASE
We live to buy stuff – to buy stuff we need to do stuff for money – not stuff we want but stuff we can – for the ultra wealthy that own everything – to earn currency to buy everything we need to survive/live
We only get to have fun we can “afford it” – it’s a cycle of earn and burn – but there is hardly any “life” in this style of “living”
August 19, 2023
I never wanted to be late for a friend or social engagement for fear they would never want to hang out with me again
