The following journal entry is a free flow exercise I utilized to prepare to have a conversation with my spouse (we are now estranged and he filed for divorce in April after he abandoned me unnanouced, unexplained, and without warning, while I was taking a shower) because I did not feel he was supportive to me in what I was working with and trying to accomplish with my LOA from work and attempt to heal my childhood wounds.
Only 2 months into my LOA my spouse began having his own mental breakdown of sorts pertaining to his work – he was and still is self employed – and he brought it home every day in an emotional wreckage he dumped upon me every night he walked in the door. He had become increasingly irritable, combative, and full of self-pity. I would bristle as soon as he walked into the home each day bracing for the “mood” hoping it would be light and easy, however, it was mostly glum and angry. It made my journey of self-healing almost impossible to manage as I was now expected to cater to his emotional needs and difficulties or he would tell me how selfish and unsupportive I was being to him.
We had also toyed with the thought of moving to the Midwest, to his hometown, for a new beginning but I had the realization that I needed to stay put, in Southern California, if I had any chance of helping myself. There’s a saying, wherever you go, there you are. I couldn’t run away from my childhood and the ghosts of it that haunt me, I needed to stay here and confront them in hopes of moving out of my darkness. I ended up having a very calm and civil conversation with him and the tone and points I made were almost exactly as they appear in this journal entry. My spouse seemed to hear me and acknowledge me at that time and I felt empowered and supported after the conversation.
Almost 2 years later I realize he was FAKING IT THE ENTIRE TIME AND WAS STILL WEARING HIS MASK. I don’t regret having the conversation, my only regret is not being able to see the MONSTER he was behind the mask and that he would eventually weaponize this conversation along with all of my childhood trauma against me in the most heinous and antagonistic play toward me and my reality. This MONTSTER would, in turn, attempt to make himself the victim and me the villain in the most indirect way to end the marriage by committing the most egregious example of spousal abandonment I never saw coming (an actual Misdemeanor Offense in the State of CA – click “link” below)
Click LINK provided – Cal. Pen. Code § 270a – Current through the 2023 Legislative Session.Section 270a – Abandonment of spouse
The situation continues to play out in real time and he is still peddling his story of victimhood to anyone and everyone that will listen, in my home town and on my turf, while his flying monkeys gang stalk and harass me digitally as he continues to hide in plain sight like a coward. This, once again, goes to show – WE NEVER TRULY KNOW ANYONE NO MATTER WHAT WHAT WE THINK ABOUT A PERSON OR BELIEVE TO BE TRUE – – BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE – XOXO – LAUNA
The story as told in the podcast, social media accounts and the website is based on my understanding and perspective, and should not be interpreted as factual claims about any individual or entity without further verification. The names and places have been changed or left cryptic to protect the accused. My name has also been changed to protect myself from my ex as he continues to drag out the divorce process – a divorce he filed for – in court
January 31, 2023
I need this to be as clear as possible – I am currently and have been in a life or death situation – an internal battle that I have been fighting my entire life – that has become unmanageable and I’ve been open and honest – taking a break to work on myself – to help quiet that voice that says that my life is not worth living. I’m barely able to manage my own tragedies and traumas right now – I need to lean on people right now – I need people that are ok with me leaning on them and empathetic to the fact that I may not be able to support them if they lean back – I’m not strong enough to handle my mess and another person’s messes right now – especially if they are trivial every day life messes. If you are a person that is not capable of supporting me through this process – then perhaps this relationship has run its course.
It’s also imperative that I stay here – I can’t leave – not now – I still have healing to do with my dad stuff – I can’t do that anywhere else
The reasons I’m so frustrated/upset by the situation
I need stability
I need support
I need space to share my “crap”
I need to be honest about being at my emotional capacity
I can barely handle me
I can’t handle two
I have supported you
I have empowered you to make any decision that will make you happy
I see that you’re struggling too
I am not invalidating your sadness/grief/hopelessness
I see someone that has a lot of positive options and power to make a living at work
I am frustrated when you can’t see that your job does not control your life happiness
It hurts my feeling when I don’t feel like I have any space in the relationship for my emotions - your emotions are always the most important
